No one else is to blame...

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abbigail's picture
No one else is to blame...

So who made me bulimic? Was it my step mother who challenged me to weight loss competitions when I was 14? Was it a controlling father who had too many kids & saw the necessity of making everyone clear their plate? Was it the trauma of divorced parents, step siblings, etc....? It was MY choice! Now it is MY choice to recover. No one else can do this for me. My question is... has anyone out there recovered through therapy? I tried it in the past & it made no difference at all. Has anyone recovered through drugs? I was put on 60 mg of prozac & it made no difference (other than making me really sleepy). I am convinced that the only way to recover is to do this program, and suffer through the painful first few weeks. I believe there is no quick fix - just curious of others' experiences...

Lotah's picture
I was first treated for

I was first treated for anorexia as a young teenager and then bulimia as an older teenager. Since then I have tried all kinds of things, family therapy, individual therapy, CBT, Prozac, an church-run Overcomers course (dealing with addictions), etc. and all those things offered temporary respite from the acute phases of the ED, but this programme is the first thing that has actually gone back to basics and helped me to address the fundamental issue: I became bulimic because I starved myself first. That's it.
The depression, the self-loathing, the lack of self-esteem, the promiscuity, the drinking, etc., everything else that happened in the following almost 30 years was a consequence of that first diet at a ridiculously young age when I didn't actually need to lose weight, but I thought if I was small and thin, then people would have to look after me.
Yes, things happened and comments were made that didn't help the situation, but I now know that it was that initial restrictive diet that kicked off the horrific cycle. And now, ten months into recovery, I am starting to see what life can be like...
There is no quick fix, but there is a fix - and that is fantastic news for all of us! xxx

Mouli's picture
Hi Abigail. Not until I

Hi Abigail. Not until I joined this site did I realise that this all started from the time I dieted and lost a shed load of weight. In the beginning I starved myself and lost a lot of weight. Then bulimia kicked in.
As for all of the things that happened to me when i was younger, that I thought led me to my bulimia, yes they probably played a part in me hating myself and thinking I wasn't good enough and resulted in zero self esteem but the bulimia was a result of the starvation. Yes I too have done therapy, I've talked and talked my ass off and there were times where it helped only for a bit. I've never been on medication for it. But what I do know is that BH method truly does work. It makes sense. And it works. And yes it so damn hard sometimes but the freedom is oh, so sweet! M x

angelina32's picture
Hello Abbigail, I have a

Hello Abbigail,

I have a similar past to yours. I started binge eating around the time my parents divorced. I was thirteen and my dad married my step -mom and then I suddenly had two younger sisters I didn't like. I put on a lot of weight, then dieted, then developed bulimia.

Therapy gave me many insights but like you didn't stop the pain or the bulimia/binge eating.

I think like you I have to just move through the discomfort of the first few weeks divorcing this ed (warped coping skill of abusing myself with food)

I need to be brave. I hope I can keep to my structured eating. I have always eaten really chaotically. When I was little my mother was always in and out of mental hospitals. My older sisters and I usually got our own food. I just ate whenever I wanted to. Coming home from school was a major binge time.

I feel pathetic being 31 and struggling so very hard with basic eating but I know that is just the cruel voice of the ed judging me.

I'll be brave if you be brave :)

abbigail's picture
Angelina30 - please don't

Angelina30 - please don't feel bad - I am 41 & just now beginning a normal way of feeding myself! I am into week 3 of no B/P & TRULY the urge is almost gone. I do still have the thoughts - a lot - but it is different from urges. My body is well fed now so I am not 'needing' to binge. At this point I am just having to work through the years of mental conditioning, negative self talk etc... SE is a lifesaver for me - I absolutely don't restrict, but try to keep to the 6X daily eating. I am at the point where I will allow myself a little wiggle room, and so far it has been fine. For example, yesterday after lunch I had a huge craving for chocolate. There were six mini snickers bars in the house, & I ate them all & enjoyed every bite - no urge to purge at all.

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