Not wanting to recover

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pembekavanoz
pembekavanoz's picture
Not wanting to recover

I actually have a problem with wanting to recover. I know and feel how hard this has been for the past 2,5 years and as the days goes by like this, it seems harder to recover. I don't know why I don't really want to recover. I read the first 20 pages of the Bulimia Help Method Book, trying to figure out why I'm so addicted being this way.
If anyone had similar problems, please share.
Thank you.

sanjogkaur
sanjogkaur's picture
Hey! I think I can relate in

Hey!

I think I can relate in some ways to what you're saying. When I first started recovery, all I wanted was to recovery. Period.

But...many months have passed...and sometimes i find myself thinking I was better off with bulimia...when I had no intention AT ALL to recover...when i didn't even think I had a problem.

These thoughts come to my mind in various occasions. When they are too strong, they actually push me to act against recovery and pro-bulimia. However, as time goes by, i feel like every time it makes less and less sense for me to maintain bulimia. And that feels great!

I'm not sure how to explain this too well...but for example, when I was not in recovery, vomiting was soooo comfortable. I cannot explain (although I'm sure you know) how relieving and pleasurable it felt to vomit all the food i had binged on. As I dive deeper and deeper into recovery, vomiting becomes less and less attractive. I can actually FEEL the damage I do to my body. I vomited about a month ago after six months of not vomiting at all...and I was in pain for three days, in my stomach, my throat, my muscles. My sensitivity has increased...I had that thought of, "I just want this recovery process to be over, i was better off with bulimia"...and...when I went back, I realized I wasn't better off with bulimia. Bulimia is a nightmare!

So...yes, I've had those thoughts. And i guess it's just important to know that we each have our own recovery process...

I'd say recovery is a very personal decision, and a very personal journey...we all have our own rhythm, our ups and downs.

I've being reading Anita Jhonston's book, and i love how she explains the way in which eating disorders serve a function in our lives. That's the reason we become addicted to them, because they've helped us in so many ways, to cope with situations we were otherwise unable to manage. The key in recovery is to understand what that function is so that we can develop new life skills that can help us serve that same function in a more healthy way...but it requires our attention and our energy to see and to act.

You can look for the video in youtube, it's called "the log". I found it interesting.

Anyway...embrace your process and trust that it's leading you in the right direction...at your own pace.

Love and health! :)

Natalia

ason
ason's picture
Yes!i am with you. I have

Yes!i am with you. I have been in "recovery" for about 7 years. I mean wtf that mean when I can leave a therapy session and go buy food for b/p. I lie to my therapists and everyone around me about the severity because I petrified of my freedom being taken away from me in a hospital. I'm petrified that when that strange tension starts to arise in my body that says, "you should go buy... So that you can eat all afternoon long" I won't know how to say no yo that food. Ok, so if I'm craving things that are artificially sweet, im missing something in my diet? But what I really want is that exact thing and no substitute. I am like a small toddler in that I want to be satisfied now! With what I want now! And then my adult self comes in and says I'll be undesirable if I get fat-at least to my own eyes, which can cry at the sight of my legs or flabby stomach. I totally know what you mean. I don't want to have this bulimia and the food that I crave and the food that I fear have such a stronghold on my life, but I don't know how to go through the day fully denying myself if I'm independent-meaning someone isn't forcing me to stick to a schedule. I can feel strong one moment and within minutes or seconds the thought of something delicious can creep into my mind and then I just have to have it. It makes me feel like a waste of space and like I don't deserve other things nice. But that's my Ed, always there to beat me down and then be the one and only thing left standing so that I have to and want to choose it. I hope my words resonate w some of your thoughts. If so, shot me back a word or two. I'd love to stay in contact. Best, abby

pembekavanoz
pembekavanoz's picture
Thank you Natalia and

Thank you Natalia and Abby!

So the thing with me is exactly the same with Abby. At the moment I made this post I really believed that I was going to recover soon but now 3 weeks passed and nothing has changed. I also crave foods, especially fast food. I feel bad when I b/p on the food that my mom prepares so ordering food or going out to eat has always been more attractive to me. For example, after the New Year dinner that my mom prepared for about 3-4 hours, I felt like a monster while I was vomiting it.

It sucks to know exactly how stupid all you do is while continuing to do it! It makes no sense.

Sometimes I wish I had no idea how idiot all this was. And yet of course I would die to go to the first time I made myself vomit the food I ate. I still don't know how I came up with a stupid idea like that.

Be safe!

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