Please help me

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myvenus
myvenus's picture
Please help me

I don't know where to turn. I'm at my wits end here and I really don't feel like I can go on "coping" with life. I have spent the last few days eating constantly and throwing up when I can. I'm fat. Really fat and I hate it. I used to be anorexic, and to be honest, I miss it. I feel completely hideous, out of control and disgusting. I'm totally alone here. My family all live thousands of miles from me and i have no one to talk to. I started seeing a counsellor at my uni last week but it's not enough. I can't get through this.

lenchik
lenchik's picture
you're coping like this,

you're coping like this, because this is the way you know how, so don't hate yourself for doing so. It served you well before(me as well)...but since you're here on this site, I'm sure you want to change...but it's not going to be without ups and downs. "To avoid pain - is to avoid pleasure" I saw that quote and it made me 'see'...maybe it will help you too.
Hang in there. You're not alone, we're all hear for you ^_^
I know exactly how you feel, this is what I am going through too(as a matter of fact - right this moment)...but just trying to block it out - the negative thoughts- thoughts in general. You are beautiful! and you have a purpose here on this planet, otherwise you woould have not been born. You're given this path to overcome this obsticle and live to tell. It will get better.
Much love,

xoxo

myvenus
myvenus's picture
Thank you Lena, that's

Thank you Lena, that's exactly what I needed to hear right now. I read your profile, sounds like you're having a hard time of it too. I guess I'm looking for some much needed support here, so if you want to communicate with me, I'd really like that.

Thanks again, and stay strong.

nestor
nestor's picture
lenchik has a point, you are

lenchik has a point, you are beautiful and you do have a major purpose for being here no matter how much you may question yourself. We are all in this together and I think we can all help each other climb out of this whole we've dug ourselves so deep into, even if it takes two steps forward and one step back. Don't stop eating, I'm trying so hard to start eating normal again because I think about the times in my life where my life was about living and not about food and how happy I was. So much of my life has been lost to my eating disorder and at the moment I want to take it all back. Sometimes I feel as though all I have going for myself is being small, so I restrict and watch the scales. XXXXXXXXXXX So I can be remembered as the "little one?" I fail to remember that in this world if everything you have is based on looks, you will eventually have nothing. If someone doesn't like you because you're big then they're not worth your time. I've always had pressure being a cross runner, at XXX pounds I was one of the "bigger" runners. Can you imagine that? So I lost XX pounds in 3 months, got down to XX pounds and was miserable. I was hospitalized 5 times, I was always sick, could never sleep, and go figure....couldnt run anymore because I had no muscle left and destroyed my knees from so much mielage to shed the pounds. The way I see it, is the last thing that any of us need is to be told how to be. WE ARE. That's it and that should be enough. And we have our purpose. That will not change regardless of the amount of space we take up or the number that shows up on the scale. Just focus on being healthy for no one other than yourself. I'm here, and would love a support buddy to talk to/text regularly if you need it. Hang in there and remember that you will always be your toughest critic, you can stop eating and be thin, but will you even be happy with yourself then?

just hold my hand i think that would help.

amanda09
amanda09's picture
patience is key!

firstly, you CAN get there:)

remember that this eating disorder has been a part of your life for a long time. bulimia becomes a coping mechanism for life and gradually intertwines itself with your very identity. but this doesn't mean you can't break away from it. the very fact you have acknowledged itand you are on here means you're getting somewhere!

so when you think about the years it's taken for this to become such a large part of your life, it is only natural that it will take time, persistence, successes and failures to gradually break away and learn your true identity without the illness. don't be hard on yourself for feeling low or hopeless - this is a natural part of recovery. there is light on the other side of this too.

it may not seem like you're making progress now, but every aspect of your recovery - including relapse and regression - has the ability to teach you profound things about yourself and uncover further issues, triggers, factors that you need to address and overcome in order to reach greater heights.

so from somebody who spent most of my life "coping" the way you've described and who has come out the other side, i'd like to add that i wouldn't change any one of the slumps, or relapses i endured during recovery (of which they are many) - because now in retrospect i see that every period of time where i felt hopeless, eventually brought me to a new lesson which was absolutely necessary in nailing down a full recovery once and for all :)

sending you lots of love xx

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my god do you learn"

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