Please HELP me - it's back with a vengeance.

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thininLondon's picture
Please HELP me - it's back with a vengeance.

I have been good for a while. In control, healthy and somewhat stable.
I started with the structured eating plan, stuck to it for a couple of months, made my own, was able to not think about it too much etc etc.

Now I am back to square one.

I moved countries. I have moved in with two girls, they have food... All over the house. I find myself bingeing and replacing before they notice (old - old habits I could have sworn i was rid off, but then i realised I hadn't really tested myself).

I have tried everything and find myself in the dangerous restrict and binge zone that is a vicious cycle. It's just over 1am here, i've had enough food for a normal person in a day or two since dinner time. I am writing this to avoid the bathroom.

My situation is this:
Previously i lived with a friend who knew about my ed, so he was good and did not buy my trigger foods, or any thing in large quantities I could concuct meals with in the middle of the night. I bought all my food daily for the day, sometimes for a week, whatever, i was able to be good. I had little things, activities, friends, motivations that made me want to be my best.

Now. I am unsettled, stressed by beaucracy, and feeling odd in a foreign country.
I know this on top of my depression and past issues is the real underlying stuff... However, this could take years to be free off.. i just need to manage my eating now.
I'm already being slightly cold to my new roommates because even though it's not their fault, the inner turmoil the kitchen brings is unbearable. I walk into the house every evening planning to only be there for dinner and avoid it. I am there in and out all night.
It's easy to do because of the food. THEIR food. Then i have to stay up and run to the shop at like 8am and replace. I am wasting money. I was not tempted back home, and even when i was, i wasn't emotionally so fragile.

And lets not even get started on the idea of bonding by eating meals together etc. I know they sense something. It's making me angsty. I need a plan. I have decided to go out with no money or no credit cards tomorrow, cos i impulse buy and eat things really quickly walking from one place to another, and running to the bathroom once i get to my destination. Its an anxiety thing. I need to avoid this. However i know its dangerous to be out in the world especially solo in a new country with no monetary form of getting myself out of any jams. It's a plan, but not a good one.
When my roommates are home and up all night i am better cos i dont want to be heard. But still..
What should I do now? im gaining rapidly and im not even making friends here because i feel like shit.

JulesQ's picture
That's a good strategy to go

That's a good strategy to go out with no $. When I go out of the office I only take my phone & swipe card. It's too easy to buy food & hide it in my handbag.
Little things like that show that you're planning still! You haven't lost all your recovery skills!!!

Anxiety is a killer - ED it's accomplice. ED pretends to be a friend against anxiety by offering you some way to cope, an out-let, but it's all lies as it just feeds anxiety.

Go find a therapist in your new town.
A counselor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, even a GP you trust. See if you work place (of uni campus..?) has an employee assistance program or some free counselling service.
They can help you find more of these coping skills you've shut out temporarily.

Hope you find someone to talk this through with face to face - best wishes, JQ

somethings are more important than fear

thininLondon's picture
Thank you so much... The no

Thank you so much...
The no money plan worked!!

I guess its all about researching coping stratergies now. I havent been tested like this in a very long time, its scary to constantly be around food.. i live in italy now, its all everything is based around.
I need to find healthy daytime activities too.

thanks again Jules xx

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