Post 1

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FreckledPonyFlying
FreckledPonyFlying's picture
Post 1

Ok. So here I am. After a few days of quietness, after a few months of seeing this website for the first time, and after many years from when a life with bulimia started for me. I am here admitting that I am not able to combat this condition by myself. No matter how much I want it, no matter how much I hate it... I can't. I've read that all you need to do at the beginning is to start eating regularly. Sounds simple, but I didn't get even to that point yet. I can't remember having a healthy relationship with food. Maybe somewhere in the childhood, when there was no time to think about food. It feels now that there was no time at all back then. Only school, homework and all the kids from the neighbourhood playing together until it was to dark to see the ball.... Anyway, now the time exist. I don't wan to loose it any more for being unhappy. And I am unhappy with bulimia. It is very well hidden when I am talking to my family members, when I am at work, when meeting new people... Luckily the bad feelings go away at times. And when I laugh i really laugh and when I am amazed I am really amazed... but bulimia comes back. Sadness comes back. Disappointment comes back. Low self esteem goes back. And unhappiness comes back. And ifit comes back often, you're never truly free from it. Maybe the most difficult thing and the reason why I am writing this post so long after finding this website, is that bulimia and sadness moves me away from people. It is so hard to ask for help when you have enough of yourself and everything else, when you're tired, when all you want is to disappear and sleep. I am now trying to overcome this. To step out of the darkness.
Today I am not really able to be funny, sociable and smart, It will come at some other times. But then you will already know me real. Weak and fragile, but here. Writing. Meeting myself, meeting you...
Kas

Freckled Pony Flying

Anna_
Anna_'s picture
Hey:) Nice post. Well done

Hey:) Nice post. Well done for taking the first step in becoming active here. Personally, joining this site has made all the difference for me. It kick-started my recovery. You sound exactly like me when I started out so I thought I would write and encourage you to give this a try. It has made a huge difference in my life. I wish you all the best! :)

Anna

msenter@live.com.au
msenter@live.com.au's picture
Hi Kas, beautiful post, I

Hi Kas,
beautiful post, I think probably most of us on here can completely understand and identify with all of what you are going through. It is a very lonely place in the mind of a bulimic. The truth is you may feel alone but you most definitely are not. I go through this all the time but then I realise that all I have to do is actually call up a friend and arrange a time to hang out. It's as simple as that. No matter how fat I feel or how ugly I think I might look, if I just put that aside and focus on enjoying the company of those around me I have a great time and feel a hundred times better. Aside from that, I'm also new here and already I feel like a have a new community of friends I can be completely honest and candid with, which is wonderful! We are all here for each other, I have no doubt you can find a friend in anyone in this community anytime you feel alone. Being 'alone' is such a huge aspect of the bulimia mind frame and together we can beat it. Please feel free to message me anytime, I hope you're having a great day and if not, hang in there, the sun will rise again tomorrow and your journey to recovery and a better life continues with a fresh start.
Sending you lots of love and a HUGE bear hug

Mel xxx

msenter

FreckledPonyFlying
FreckledPonyFlying's picture
Hi Anna and Mel... Thank you

Hi Anna and Mel... Thank you so much for your responses... I so needed a signal from anybody understanding what I am going through. Anybody from this community who will say: everything is ok, you can stay here, with us. I would be happy with a single "welcome" and what I got is much more: honesty and support. Thank you. It already feels better to know that somebody cares enough to spend time writing and sharing their thoughts and experience. I will try to come here often. I feel like I have so much to share. In a way bulimia took a lot away from me but on the other side... I've learnt a lot while living with it. I've learn about it. And about myself. It's been 12 years. I've changed. A woman, not a girl any more. Specialist, not a student. A couple of things I am proud of and a couple of those I regret a lot on the list... Oh, all this is so human. I keep telling myself that such is being fragile. Well - in fact I often keep asking myself is bulimia being weak or being fragile... And I do not know. But today is a good day. Today I' ve been walking down the road happy with the sun touching my skin, smiling to myself and others. Today I've been treating myself gently. I am writing from where it is quiet and calm. xx

Freckled Pony Flying

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