Pushing boyfriend away... do other people do this?

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somethingblooming's picture
Pushing boyfriend away... do other people do this?

Hi everyone.

I have noticed that as my restrictive behaviours have started coming back (I tried recovering and didn't do it properly and so now I am back here trying again), that I have started avoiding my boyfriend and my friends! But especially my boyfriend! I don't know why I am doing this! A few months ago I would be happy spending all my time with him - he is wonderful and we are very in love. But lately I have been cancelling our plans and making excuses as to why I can't sleep over or why I have to leave his house early.

Sometimes I feel like being with him means I can;t control my entire day and that I can't focus on recovery! I am very scared that I will lose him because of this! I tried to talk to him about how I am really struggling (he knows about my eating disorder) and that is why we haven't seen each other as much, but I don't think he gets it - he wants to feel like being with him comforts me. It usually does, but lately it makes me more anxious.

This has sort of spread into the rest of my life as well - I am skipping uni and hanging out in my room alone whenever I can! :( :(

Has anyone else experienced this? I'd love to chat to other people who get what I'm going through and maybe have some advice. I really don't want to be so isolated and unable to be spontaneous or to lose my amazing BF.

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.”

skenn100's picture
Been there girl! I did the

Been there girl! I did the same thing with my ex (don't worry, it had nothing to do with our break up lol). It was like I felt the need to be adobe to focus on myself and try to heal. Only bad thing is being alone just makes you feel a lack of support and strength. Also, his lack of understanding was hard...he's like 'just stop throwing up' but what he didn't get was the mental aspect and the binge urge. That's why I think this website is so helpful, I finally see that someone (quite a lot of someones actually) understand and relate!! Try to spend time with him and not focus on the ED as much, and some freetime here. Maybe that'll help? :) Just continue to be open and honesty with him about everything, and thinks should get easier.

God Bless,
Shelby K

somethingblooming's picture
Thanks Shelby! That must have

Thanks Shelby! That must have been hard, having your ex not get it! Mine doesn't really get it, but he is very gentle and wants to help. I think he just doesn't know what to do or say and so he tries not to talk about it. And I'm so obsessed with my ED/recovery at the moment that I find it hard to see him and chat about all that other stuff. But you're right - it is better not to only focus on the ED. And I guess I can talk to him about how he can support me better (asking how I'm going, learning more about my ED and what my recovery involves).

Thanks hun! Hope you're going well :)

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.”

DOkkamjong's picture
I am so glad each day I came

I am so glad each day I came here. Hello :))

Actually a few minutes earlier I wrote a blog in the exact same situation. I am avoiding my best friend for months. It is like a joke but true. He is, too knows about my ED. And tried to help but like yours he didnt understand how complicated this illness is. On the other hand I have other issues (I wrote to the blog) Yet like you restrictive behaviours effects my life so much. Because we didnt meet for months, he was distant today (I send a message which was telling I cant meet him even now) From my perspective running away didnt help with my recovery and my relationship with him. The more distance I put, the more distant we got. And for surely having him beyond me much more help than missing and thinking all day long. I guess we shouldnt wait for them to understand our struggles with bulimia, yet I am here. I will gladly listen to you. :)) I only know that I feel a lot more happier when I am around him.

Today I tried to talked to my mum too. How I feel down about gaining weight bla bla... She didnt help, even I got very angry. Those experiments shows ''This is not something to talk like a normal conversation. Anyone who doesnt know how the bulimia mind works wont get it no matter what. God,sometimes I really want to tell people how bad my day went, but they are just looking... Then this site step in. :)) I will write whenever I feel down from now on. People are so nice and really helpful from anyone else, believe me.

I wish you lots of strenght!!
Have great days :))

whole-ellen's picture
Hello there, girl! I am doing

Hello there, girl!

I am doing that RIGHT NOW and feeling like the biggest bitch that's walked the Earth. I've just joined BH, after about 2 years of scoping the site out on the sidelines. Today, I'm on day 3 and slowing myself down.

Anyway, I've not seen the boyfriend in over two weeks; he lives in a different town and I used to spend 1-2 days and nights with him. Now, I just want him to go away so that I can focus on myself. I feel like such a horrible person! I want to respect him and bring him into my life and lean on him, but I'm so pissed off right now whenever he texts or tries to call, etc.

Am I ending the relationship so that I can focus on food and "my meal plan" in recovery? I worry about this. And I worry that he has no idea as to what's happened and that he's trying to figure out what he's done that's upset me so.

I guess I just want you to know that you're not alone, even if my behavior is different from yours.

Thanks so much for your post!

whole-ellen's picture
I just called my boyfriend,

I just called my boyfriend, and I feel so much more connected. Now I remember why I like and love him... Thanks for this post :-)

somethingblooming's picture
Birke - thanks for writing! I

Birke - thanks for writing! I know how you feel, I also just had a talk with my mum and was trying to explain some of my bulimic thoughts and behaviours and she kept saying how 'everyone does that' or 'i think that is very common' and it just made me fell like she really doesn't get it or how what I am asking for is her support! But you're right - it isn't easy for other people to get it the way we all understand each other here! I am going to try and rely more on people here and be more patient with my boyfriend and loved ones who are taking a long time to understand! I am here to talk to you as well if you need me!! :) xx

Ellen - I know exactly how you feel! I keep wanting to push him away and then I ask myself why - and its always so I can focus on my meal plan or do some bad restrictive behaviours or read stuff on BH or study. I guess I feel really stressed at the moment and controlling my life down to the second feels good and seeing him which is spontaneous and fun makes me feel anxious and lost! I want to try and hang out and not talk about the bulimia and my recovery but it also hurts my feelings when he doesn't ask specifically how I'm going. But I know from past experience that he thinks the best thing to do is to try and cheer me up and distract me! I am not sure if I should try and explain to him how to support me, but I am scared it will be too much for him or that he won't do it and I will feel neglected. I feel so confused!

I'm really happy you had a good chat with your BF and you feel good about him! I am meant to be seeing mine today and I am so tempted to cancel on him but maybe I will use you as inspiration and I will see him and trust that it will be okay! I'm so glad my post helped you out in some roundabout way! Thanks for writing to me, you made me feel less crazy for sure :) xx

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.”

BingeHappy's picture
Hi somethingblooming, Just

Hi somethingblooming,

Just wanted to reassure you again that you're not alone in this! Your boyfriend sounds a lot like mine - caring, just wants to help, isn't sure why being around him isn't always calming...

I'm at a much better place with my boyfriend now than when I first started recovery about 4 or 5 months back. Whenever I was around him I felt out of control, wasn't sure what we were going to eat or when, etc, etc. He knew about my ED and was supportive about my decision to try to recover, but I think he was lost in how to help.

I had to do a lot of self-reflection to figure out why I felt so anxious around him. Sometimes it was because I felt like I was sacrificing my health to go see him - like I was way too tired but felt like I had to go over and see him, regardless. Most of the time it was because I wasn't controlling the food situation - we'd go out to eat, or he'd cook, or we'd be doing something where I couldn't eat every three hours and I'd be freaking out about what I was eating. I did sit him down one time and tell him what I really needed, which was the ability to tell him I couldn't hang out if I needed to, and complete control over food. It sounds kind of controlling, but I told him where we could or could not go out to eat, what he could or could not cook... all of it. I started keeping snacks at his apartment. I also started cooking with him so that I could keep an eye on things. It really helped in the end, and even though he didn't understand all my needs, he went out of his way to help me with them. Things are a lot better now - I trust him to cook well and we can generally go out to eat anywhere as long as I can check the menu first. I'm also way less tired and anxious about recovery, which helps.

I just recommend you talk to him, and try not to focus on the ED all the time you're with him, but also allow yourself to set boundaries and to care for yourself during this time... if you involve him in that, you'll probably feel better about the relationship, too! Best of luck!!

Mistie's picture
I've done this as well. : /

I've done this as well. : /

I actually lost one of my best friends because of it.

I meet my partner during a period of thinking I was fully recovered, but after several months I relapsed...REALLY BADLY.
I tried to break up with him right away because I knew how being in a relationship would be and how I would act .

Hes stuck in there though, for over a year now ! But I think my pushing him away so often is taking its toll. He really doesn't understand and I find it so difficult to talk to him about with it.

Can you conquer your emotional delay
can you draw tomorrow's history today
can you feel the tide is turning
can you overcome the yearning

viva's picture
im engaged and my im sitting

im engaged and my im sitting waiting on my fiance coming home from work to see wether we can get past whats been happening the past few weeks/my other times of being a complete monster (my last forum explains it all).

im terrified. spent the full day doing housework to keep my mind off of it.

try to communicate with his as much as you can, thats my problem, closing down and bottling everything up. and now because of it i might lose the only good thing/best thing thats ever happened to me. not to mention my soulmate :(

stay strong love x

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