Sceptical but desperate

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harajukugirl
harajukugirl's picture
Sceptical but desperate

Sceptical and desperate says it all.
I've been having one eating disorder or another for about 10 years now. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes I crush. I've been free from it several times. Always picking myself up, never telling anyone about it and never asking for any help. I think by now I'm pretty much an expert on all the advice and the tricks and the methods to deal with bulimia/anorexia. Although I am sure groups like these are of a tremendous help to so many girls and women, I feel so reluctant to get into it. I still think that I should do it by myself, I am afraid, I still think that it is a little pathetic to be winging about what one has eaten and about how hard life is (I realize it is such a wrong place to be saying this but I am also talking about myself and I'm just being dead-honest). I hate to cry out for help but I think I just have to. I have been steadily destructing my own life. I mean it's unbelievable - I used to model, I used to have a blast of a life, I used to have so much passion and ambition. Now I'm stuck. I need to get out, I need to stop being so scared of things. I do not feel I can turn to my family or friends. They know me as a strong and confident young woman. So I guess I what I am saying is that it would be really incredible to talk to someone who has been through the same, to get some support. I guess I can not do it alone after all.

little lea
little lea's picture
You don't have to be alone

I really know how you feel. Though Ive had bulimia for only 4 years, I frequently can stop the behavior on my own, but it somehow creeps back into my life.

I also tend to feel "pathetic" for complaining about things, and feel like I should be able to do this on my own.. and just get over it.

But what I have come to realize is that this disease has mroe control over me than I every realized, and though it seems selfish and "pathetic" we have to remind ourselves that it IS a disease, and no one should ever have to struggle through a disease alone. We wouldn't hide from everyone and try and beat cancer on our own would we?

The more we talk openly about our feelings and behaviors, however crazy they might seem, the more we realize how many people in out situation feel the same way, and we can learn amazing advice and inspiring stories of others like us.

And personally for me, when I hide and do not talk about it... It almost gets to a point where I can hide the ed from myself and pretend I am doing nothing wrong. If I talk to others and stay connected, then I cannot so easily lie to myself... I feel more accountable.

Don't feel bad for needing support and someone to talk to... everyone has problems, no one is perfect, and no one can do everything on their own without any help.

Lea

laura128
laura128's picture
What Next?

I have never openly admitted this to anyone let alone join a website. I have been bulimic for almost five years. I am getting married in a few months and the pressure to loose weight and be thin is ever present now. Whenever I binge/purge I always say this is the last time or make the excuse to do it another time. I signed up for this website today after signing on to AOL and reading the story on the welcome screen about a 19 year old girl who suffered from a heart attack and died from bulimia and it truly scared me. I want to give this website a try and do my best to get myself healthy.

harajukugirl
harajukugirl's picture
i want to say something to

i want to say something to you right now that would make the difference, that would make you stronger. something that would make you realize that you are capable of controlling yourself. but the thing is i think it is mot something that someone will say to you that will wake you up. you can hear the words, you can agree with the logic, you can get inspired, but then when the time comes, when the hysteria rises, when you are disgusted and horrified... there is no way any good words you heard will help. there is one thing though that helped me a lot. i hope it may be of some use to you as well. when you are spinning out of control, just pause. really. just grab the keys and walk out of the door. or jump into the cold shower. just do smth very quick and impulsive, something other than eating. this will help you to get distracted for a moment and your thoughts, your logical self will come in. next time you want to binge or eat somthing you know you would want to get rid of later, just ask yourself is it really worth it. you are standing there holding this slice of pizza (or whatever does the trick for you)... just think what in 3 minutes you will eat it, in 4 minutes you will throw up. WHAT THEN? then you will feel terrible, then you will hate yourself. then you will promise yourself never to do it again. so just stop. put the thing down. you dont need it. really.

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