Im having such a bad day with social anxiety and feeling down. When I see how everyone else acts in my uni class all load and friendly and I just want to run away. Im stressed with the course and have a presentation on Monday. Sometimes in class words come flying out of my mouth and ive got a loud voice, people think im fun and friendly and inside im the most socially awquared person. This week ive been invited out with people from college and ive made up crappy excuses about why I cant go. One of them was like 'how can you have an appointmet at 830pm' I just said sorry and walked off. I feel so down about this stuff, if I rang mymum and told her or my sister they would get anoyed at me and say well you should socialize, they dont realize how much I dont want to! How incredibly awquared id be and wanting to leave the whole time. I feel as though people dont allow you to feel shy and crappy like get over it. I cant talk to anyone as they will just be anoyed at me winging on again. I was having an ok morning and and on the way out of class i went into the toilet and wanted to hide in the loo until all the loud girls who like me and want me to be there friend had left. I walked in and froze as they were all in the toilet talking and laughing, they said something to me and I tried to joke along but it was so un naturel and one girl looked a bit awquared at my response. Then on the way out she said,... again... are you alright??? you look stressed and I was like yes im fine, but Iwas so angry inside, I dont know why this coment infuriates me so much. Its the way some people say it I think, she said it almost like what the hell is wrong you always look so frickin misreble....uuurrrhgggggg im punshing the keys hard here as im feeling angry and not quite sure why. I think its becouse I try really hard to cover up any bad emotions all day and its like people just come up tome when I think im feeling ok and doing a good job of hiding it if im not and they are like whats wrong and im busted. Uni is turning into a nightmare just becouse im terified of the people, im already on anti depressents and anti anxiety drugs I wish I could just study alone and live alone. I know people think thats not healthy but itfeels so much better to me to be alone. Everyone is always getting at me to go out and see people but its just not what I want/feel comfortable with. Im happy I havnt B/P in 5 months but my ed is still very truely alive, when Iget upset I focus on it, I restrict and go to the gym and think 'oh well ive got this'.
Im sorry to rant and that its not really about bulimia its just so good to get it out as I wanted to call my mum but am getting the feeling she has had enough and my flatmate may as well have rolled her eyes yesterday when I told her I was worried about certain things.
Anyway love to everyone on here I hope you are all doing better then me today xxx