im seventeen, never had a boyfriend, no friends. Im very shy, socially akward most of the time and i have a lot of anxiety when im confronted with talking or hanging out with other people.
we moved countries 4 years ago, and i made friends, at first, but then i developed anorexia, which eventually alotta my "friends" didn't want to deal with because it was scary and no one wanted this dark cloud, being me, hanging out with them. anyways i made some friends again after recovering but then i developed bulimia and here i am now trying to recover but the people i called y friends really don't care anymore, they don't really wanna hang out with me, i feel like they only invite me to certain things because they feel sorry for me and know that im alone. when i do hang out with them its weird…i don't feel "connected" if that makes sense. its like walking into a room with a bunch of strangers even though vie known them for a year or two. anyways ive always had problems with friends since i was young. ive always felt that i was the one being left out, that i needed to get more attention from others, i didn't work well in groups very well, and im an only child.
but id say for a year now, while trying to recover from my overall eating disorder i have had the most social anxiety in my whole life. im so scared when i talk to others and if someone invites me out i think to myself "oh god what are we going to talk about, im too boring to have a conversation with, 3 hours i just have to make some form of conversation for that long, etc" and it ends up in me just being this fake person who is purely there to make the conversation so that i don't have to label myself as the loner i truly am.
i don't have any friends anymore. im seventeen, everyone my age is finding their real friends, going out to parties, falling in love, having life experiences. yet i decide to spend my weekends sitting in my room watching tv and drawing, and my only friends are my parents (which i am grateful for because they are very supportive).
i don't know if its because i haven't met the right group of people yet, but my brain is always beating me up saying that "its all my fault i made my life this way, i am not meant to be here feeling sorry for myself, i just need to do more and make more effort to befriend people, im such a loner, etc." but you see i really don't want to go out with the people who used to be my friends. i feel like i don't fit in with them, and im an embarrassment because im so akward and shy and boring to them. its like there's no connection. i also feel like i can't talk to them about anything because they want nothing to do with my eating disorder because they've been through enough of that, even though im trying to recover i just feel like a burden when i talk to them about my feelings or any negativity, ahh i dunno how to explain it.
does anyone else have a sort of similar problem to this? how do i deal with being alone and just accepting it, im so lost right now. i feel like im ruining my own life even though im trying to recover i just feel like this is how my life will be forever. and then i get anxiety over that and the worrying just goes around in circles…all day.
i don't know how to not want this "special attention" that i think i should get when im with groups of people, infect i get very jelous of others a lot of the time and i don't know how to deal with that either. its humiliating i feel so stupid for even typing this but i am just so lost and freaking out.
please tell me about your experiences on this issue, about how you've dealt, or how your dealing, or just anything.
thank you very much.