Starting tonight

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mariag
mariag's picture
Starting tonight

Tonight I make a stand and choose life over this horrible slow death. I have been bulimic for almost 20 years and I am so tired of it all...
The worst is that no one knows and I cannot share it with anyone. It has been my terrible secret for so long. I am desperate for hope! ANy support as I start this journey would be appreciated, It has been such a lonely journey up to now.
I am petrified of tomorrow and what this means for me now... So afraid of how the monster inside me will react to not getting what it wants... but so excited to start my life anew!

Mariag

Angel333
Angel333's picture
Fantastic! Your in the right

Fantastic! Your in the right place. You have to WANT to recover in order to recover. And that means doing all it and everything it takes to get there. You sound like you are fighting fit and ready to put this demon behind you once and for all.
Wishing you all the best in recovery x

'We are each of us angels with only one wing, so we can only fly by embracing each other'

lotus-frog
lotus-frog's picture
Mariag, congratulations on

Mariag,
congratulations on taking a powerful stand. I share your experience - I fluctuated with actively being bulimic and thinking I was 'recovered' (times of non-binging and purging, yet still powered by fears of weight gain, diet mentality, extensive exercise, eating rituals, self-loathing, etc...) for 25 years. You are in the right spot. This 'space/place' was the first I found of its kind where we ALL understand one another and can tell our stories without fear of repercussions. From this space, I've been, for the first time in 25 years, able to openly talk about being bulimic, asking for help that I need to fully, truly recover, and shrink the buli-monster. I realized the MORE I talked out loud to others about my experience and even let a very small few into my panicked moments of choosing to binge or not or to purge or not, the STRONGER I got to resist the torment of the buli-monster. Secrecy fueled that monster for years and years ... I am well educated, successful, all that suggests "I'd know better than to do this to my body to lose weight" or the many other things I thought people would say if they 'knew' what I was up to and how overtaken I'd been by this emotional eating and binge-purge cycle and perception that my weight was my worth. I'd love to understand what kept you keeping your secret ... I think there is power over the bulimia in talking about that to others - I think bulimia is an invisible condition or nightmare and more must be done to advocate for understanding it so those of us struggling will feel safer in seeking help.

you are in a safe place to recover now. I was so sick of the roller coaster once I found this group that I hired one of the coaches as I thought that would expedite the process - DEFINITELY did - best time and money I ever spent (and I'd likely spend 100,000 in efforts to recover or lose weight or whatever over the years).

Welcome to the start of the rest of your life,

Thanks!

Li Nav
Li Nav's picture
I am with you...I have lived

I am with you...I have lived in this Hell on and off for over 25 years. It is time to be free. I just joined. If anyone has any insight or advice on how to make the most of this website and the tools it provides, I would welcome any and all suggestions. I need to take my life back. It is crumbling around me. Bulimia cannot have me, but I am struggling breaking free.

Lianne

Jaded Lime
Jaded Lime's picture
Mariag, I am so glad that you

Mariag,

I am so glad that you have committed to taking a stand against bulimia for yourself. It is going to be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. You will find support here on this website among people who understand and relate to what you are going through. There is definitely hope. The fact that you are excited to start your life anew and make this commitment shows it. Recovery can be scary at first but after you have started to practice structured eating and begin to overcome the binge and purge urge you will gain more and more confidence to keep moving forward. Don't ever give up! You can do this!

Lina,

Im so glad you joined and are seeking support in your recovery journey. Support is a very important part of recovery. Just to hear that somebody else understands and is standing with you in this can turn a bad situation around sometimes. I want you to know that I am standing with you.
In order to make the most out of this website my advice is to start by reading the Bulimia Help Method book. Begin to implement the ideas in there into your recovery. Then you can use the forums to ask questions, get support and advice from others on here who have or are going through the same thing you are. Also, the articles, blogs and other tools such as the food journal are a great help too. If you really feel like taking it a step deeper and feel ready, then I suggest the one-on-one coaching. It is amazing and very helpful to be able to talk to a coach who understands and is on your "team" helping you with your individual needs and questions.

I am so glad that both of you are here!

Love alone is worth the fight. - Jon Foreman

Li Nav
Li Nav's picture
Jon, Thank you so much for

Jon,

Thank you so much for your words of compassion, encouragement, and support. I don't know how I stumbled along this program, but I am so grateful that i have. I had started to believe that true recovery really wasn't possible. And now I see that it IS! As I read the book, I am overwhelmed that FINALLY someone understands! I have sought out many avenues for help, but I always felt that though each program and person's intentions were genuine and sincere, somehow they were missing the target; they just didn't "get it.". In the book, I see a mirror reflection of myself. And it is such a relief NOT to be considered a "mental case," but to actually be validated in that this all began from DIETING! I always KNEW that and was so desperate to be heard.

I have begun implementing the structured meal plan, and I am TWO FULL DAYS binge/purge free! That is monumental for me; I was up to 8 - 10 times every day. I will do as you suggested and seek advice from others and utilize the information on the website as I continue with the program in the book. I will also look into the one-on-one coaching.

Thank you for your insight. Just having contact with people who have gone through this and have come out on the "other side" is encouraging that one day, I will be there, too. And when i get there, it will be my privilege to link arms with the next person struggling and guide him or her to freedom...

Thank you for guiding me. You have given me hope.

I will never give up.

Lina

Lianne

lotus-frog
lotus-frog's picture
such a touching and inspiring

such a touching and inspiring thread of comments!
I've come to realize secrecy fuels the buli-monster. I can appreciate that I don't want to tell EVERYONE about the remnants of bulimia still left within me - still some fear of weight gain therefore I give food too much power still and have a warped sense of body image still. Yet I have found 1-2 people I can be fully honest with and that has been the most powerful combat to shrink the shame of this disorder and thus shrink the buli-monster. This 'space' has been instrumental in my recovery because you 'get it' and are unconditionally loving - then I work with one of the coaches and that propelled my recovery forward faster than ever in 25 years - to speak to someone who as also binged and purged has been the single-most powerful step I've taken to recover. I would not have found that without this 'space'.

I've had a relapse after months and months (i don't count days - eventually lost track! that was cool!) - nothing like in the past AT ALL yet still disappointing at first. then I spoke to my boyfriend (another first - to share this with my 'partner' is something I've never done even when married) and he completely put me at ease and didn't judge or reject me. In fact, he asked keen questions and his summation was how cool it was that I can see how getting too hungry got in my way and how I'm not 'there' yet to have LOTS of triggering foods in my house YET. I can have many but not all of them and not all at once, ha! He can see so so so many ways I've 'recovered' and as far as he's concerned being recovering may just be how things are for me a while, maybe years ...

Aside from getting the newest version of Richard's book (it's great and slightly changed from the online book so worth it to get), I also have a book 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb - while it's not focused only on Bulimia, it's good. I met the author at a research conference - she's super cool and super real. I'm steadily working through the exercises to just reinforce things I've learned from this group of brilliant and loving souls.

all the best for your recovery

Thanks!

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