Here goes....I've been with this program, and seriously started pushing forward for about a month now. I'm determined to have a life and to be whole again. A lot of what we go through is unspeakable and unthinkable, so I am so very thankful to find this forum of men and women who can understand and not judge me. I need to beat this disease. I want to be free.
This has been a deep dark secret I've carried with me for 13 years, precisely half my life. When I say that, I still find it hard to believe it's been that long. It's pretty painful to grasp. Anyway, I've struggled with anxiety (not weight) my whole life. I have never been overweight, but I've always been overly emotional, and felt too needy, too dramatic. Looking back now, I feel like I was a ticking bomb. When I discovered I was able to quiet my stressed mind by focusing on starvation or numbing myself while bingeing and purging, I didn't want to focus on anything else.
I'm not going to bore anyone with the details, but I'm sick and tried of feeling sick and tired. I'm tired of wasting my money and most of all, I'm tired of all the lying and sneaking. I don't feel like a good person anymore, even though I've been a helluva lot more honest recently after joining this site, I feel like there's so much more repenting to be done. I was living with this dark secret I kept from my husband of 3 years. A heavy burden that I'm happy to say I got rid of. It's just each time I've relapsed, (and successfully gone from 25 purges a day down to maybe once or twice a week, if at all) it's put a strain on our relationship.
I'm here to gain more positive influences and acceptance, since I've lacked that in ALL my relationships (with family, friends, you name it) since my eating disorder started. I'm trying to push past all that negativity in order to push bulimia out of my life for good.