SUICIDE

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Kare
Kare's picture
SUICIDE

*This is a blog post, my journal, from a few days ago. I journal daily and it is wonderful therapy. I want to share this journal with you all as I am sure you will relate. We all deserve to live a healthy and happy life. *

12pm
I am at work right now, on lunch. I need to journal, I need to write. All I want to do is leave work and go get loads of binge foods to keep me safe for the rest of the day. Safe? Yes, honestly, it is comforting to eat. It makes me feel safe; it makes me feel like nothing can harm me. What I need to realize is that I am addicted to hurting myself, to committing suicide, that is exactly what I am doing every time I binge, I am trying to kill myself, to remove myself from consciously living in this world. In fact I am dead while I am binging, I am not living, I am not consciously paying attention to anything that is happening, I am dead. Then, unlike the ending of most suicide attempts, I wake up. I wake up to a world that I left for a period of time, a world that I chose to leave, that I tried to run from. Why? There is no good enough reason to run from my life, my life is what I make it and I can chose to make it a life worth living or I can keep running. I am a grown woman, I need to wake up once and for all and STAY AWAKE. I need to gain the strength to not walk to the edge of a roof top; I need the strength not to jump. God knows I will never jump from a height high enough to kill me, but I know that after so many jumps my body will be useless, I just may not wake up. From now on I want to view picking up the food as jumping off a two story building. It may not kill me, but it will hurt, and it will take time to recover. Each and every time that I pick up the food I take a few steps back in my recovery. Sure there are learning aspects of relapsing, but haven’t I learned enough? I do not want to learn anymore from jumping. When I get to the roof top I want to make a conscious decision to climb down the ladder instead. I do not want to hurt myself anymore. The journey of recovery will teach me to choose the ladder instead, but the day I no longer chose to walk to the roof top, that is the day I will truly be recovered. That is the day the urges to binge will have disappeared. I live for that day.

6pm
Well I did not jump today. I was up on the roof for a short period, but I was not driven to jump today, today I chose to climb down the ladder. I did not die for a period of time, I am still alive, I did not take steps backwards today, in fact I took a few steps forwards. I needed this today, I really needed to get myself together. It was not easy. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my skin as I do right now, I actually cannot stand it and I want to jump out of my own skin, I want a new body NOW, I do not want to wait. It makes me want to eat more, I am so disgusted with myself that I want to hurt myself more. Not today, I will not hurt myself today. There are no more quick fixes because in the long run, they are just band aids that cover up the wound, they do not actually allow for the wound to heal. Yes, I could workout hard core daily and eat much less and lose the weight super fast, I tend to do that quite well, but I always end up 10x more depressed when I realize I cannot live that way either. A life of restricting and binging is no life at all, I want to live, I want to be free and thus I shall eat enough and work out moderately. It will take months for my body to readjust, I need to find the willingness to give everything I’ve got to heal myself so that in a few months time I can feel good and look good without even being tempted to take any more steps in the other direction. I have a goal and I am going to head in the right direction to attain it!

xoKare

freakyblonde88
freakyblonde88's picture
*Big Hugs* Good for you for

*Big Hugs* Good for you for staying strong, and for seeing ED for what it really is.

Life is too short to not be happy

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
Hi, Kare. It's taken me a few

Hi, Kare. It's taken me a few days to get the gumption to reply to your post because I know what you are saying and I'm doing that precisely. I'm slowly killing myself with my eating disorders and I'm letting myself get away with it time after time. Each time I purge, I know I'm doing myself so much harm and it's got to stop. I used to have the mindset that if this kills me, well, so be it. I'd rather be dead, than fat. But now I have things to live for, perspective in my life and people who care for me. When I tried just for me, it was so hard to reward myself with the gift of just being alive, I felt so depressed and so unworthy of the good things.

I still have those thoughts, but it's getting to be more of a balance with some good thoughts, too. I no longer wish to fall asleep and not wake up because of the pain and anguish that eating disorders bring and I look forward to the coming days so much more. I am still chained by my own self destruction somewhat, but less so and have a lot more positivity for the future.

Thank you for writing what you did. It was very frank, blunt and probably familiar to many of us, which is why it took me a long time to respond. It's good to hear my thoughts and actions coming from someone else's head for a change! I always feel so isolated and alone in the death defying stunts I pull on my life each day, so it makes me feel that little bit less cocooned.

Thanks, Kare xx

Lea

Haychelle
Haychelle's picture
You couldn't have put that

You couldn't have put that better Kare. That is exactly what we are, or were doing to ourselves, and while in the midst of bulimia we chose to not think or believe we were harming ourselves. Now that we have chosen recovery it is so clear to see that is exactly what we were doing. Good on you for being so strong and backing back down that ladder. That is a huge step forward in your recovery. Stay strong and take care:-)

Kare
Kare's picture
Lea, I hope what I wrote did

Lea,
I hope what I wrote did not hurt you in any way. I agree that most people on this site probably can relate to the feelings I expressed through my writing. Being aware of the fact that I have been slowly killing myself for over 10 years has never been the reason I have walked away from a binge, climbed down the ladder. That awareness creates more anxiety and fear. I think it is important to be aware but more important to be forgiving, kind and loving to ourselves, especially when we need it the most, post binge. I feel as though we are in the same boat, not fully recovered but much stronger and more positive and hopeful :)

xoKare

Kare
Kare's picture
Haychelle, Thank you for your

Haychelle,
Thank you for your comment. Backing down the ladder one day is wonderful but it is so easy to jump off that edge the next second as I did last night. Progression is what is key in recovery. Are the binges getting smaller? Is less effort put into the binges? Are we able to give ourselves self-love, or at last be kind to ourselves post binge? Are we able to stand up tall and forgive ourselves? In the past none of these were the case for me, now they are all taking place, since being on this site, since finding hope. Keep in touch :)

xoKare

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
Kare, no, it didn't hurt me,

Kare, no, it didn't hurt me, it just made the truth of what we are doing shine out in the open. It is so dangerous! Knowing it on your own doesn't make it too scary, but seeing others recognise it and being fearful for their lives makes me stop in my tracks and take stock of what I am doing to myself.
Always speak your mind, Kare, don't worry about what they think. You seem to have everyone's interests at heart here and seem so thoughtful to helping others see a light in their recovery. Don't stop being who you are! Thank you again for writing so honestly, it helps me think honestly to myself.

Lea

Kare
Kare's picture
Lea, thank you, you are so

Lea, thank you, you are so kind. This site is a wonderful place to get reminders from others who actually understand where we are coming from. It is home for me and it is really helping me progress in my recovery. Thank you for your comments and being in contact, it gives me strength.

xoKare

less_intense
less_intense's picture
I can see myself in your

I can see myself in your blog. It describes me perfectly. I woke up this morning feeling like I was never going to get better. So I have committed to going on this site every day. Maybe even try to blog. I hate feeling so alone.
Nina

Kare
Kare's picture
Hey Nina, The fact that you

Hey Nina,

The fact that you can see yourself in my blog goes to show you are not alone. It is easy to feel alone and that is why I come on this site about 5 times a day, to check in. To read, to post, to write, to comment, to interact, to support and to be supported. Message me anytime :) Wishing you a peaceful day in recovery.

xoKare

vivienne
vivienne's picture
Thank you for your honest

Thank you for your honest words Kare! I literally cried as I was reading your post, as it truly captured how I feel every day! I dont want to jump off that roof anymore but somehow I can't get on that ladder and walk back down!!? I'm terrified that one day I will jump and I won't get back up but for some reason that fear isn't enough to stop me from jumping!! I've been jumping for more than 15 years now, more than half my life and I so desperately want to stop, but so far I haven't been able to! Thank u for allowing me to see that I'm
Not alone in this and for inspiring me to continue fighting the urge to jump! Stay strong hun and keep fighting!! x

Kare
Kare's picture
Hey Vivienne, You are

Hey Vivienne,
You are certainly not alone and I know you can recover :) Keep working the program and you will be free from this disease of the mind. Thank you for your comment and for the reminder that I am not alone. The ladder is there waiting for us each time, we need to let go of the fear and take one step down at a time. YOU CAN DO THIS :D Wishing you a peaceful day in recovery.

xoKare

gosoonersjc@yah...
gosoonersjc@yahoo.com's picture
It's 3am. Browsing the site

It's 3am. Browsing the site for any helpful words and came upon this blogpost. As I lie here on the couch in the middle of the night......I am not alone! I am not crazy. Your words are so true to this struggle. Thank you for sharing yourself. It strengthens me and reminds me to consider that ladder!

jamic

Kare
Kare's picture
Hey Jamic, You are right! You

Hey Jamic,
You are right! You are not alone and this site is the best place to be when we do feel alone. It is a reminder that there is recovery, support and we can have hope because we can get down that ladder and continue to use the ladder for the rest of our lives. The more often we take the ladder the less scary it gets, we train our brains to a new habit, to no longer jump but rather to climb down the ladder. Thank you for your comment. :)

xoKare

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