*This is a blog post, my journal, from a few days ago. I journal daily and it is wonderful therapy. I want to share this journal with you all as I am sure you will relate. We all deserve to live a healthy and happy life. *
I am at work right now, on lunch. I need to journal, I need to write. All I want to do is leave work and go get loads of binge foods to keep me safe for the rest of the day. Safe? Yes, honestly, it is comforting to eat. It makes me feel safe; it makes me feel like nothing can harm me. What I need to realize is that I am addicted to hurting myself, to committing suicide, that is exactly what I am doing every time I binge, I am trying to kill myself, to remove myself from consciously living in this world. In fact I am dead while I am binging, I am not living, I am not consciously paying attention to anything that is happening, I am dead. Then, unlike the ending of most suicide attempts, I wake up. I wake up to a world that I left for a period of time, a world that I chose to leave, that I tried to run from. Why? There is no good enough reason to run from my life, my life is what I make it and I can chose to make it a life worth living or I can keep running. I am a grown woman, I need to wake up once and for all and STAY AWAKE. I need to gain the strength to not walk to the edge of a roof top; I need the strength not to jump. God knows I will never jump from a height high enough to kill me, but I know that after so many jumps my body will be useless, I just may not wake up. From now on I want to view picking up the food as jumping off a two story building. It may not kill me, but it will hurt, and it will take time to recover. Each and every time that I pick up the food I take a few steps back in my recovery. Sure there are learning aspects of relapsing, but haven’t I learned enough? I do not want to learn anymore from jumping. When I get to the roof top I want to make a conscious decision to climb down the ladder instead. I do not want to hurt myself anymore. The journey of recovery will teach me to choose the ladder instead, but the day I no longer chose to walk to the roof top, that is the day I will truly be recovered. That is the day the urges to binge will have disappeared. I live for that day.
Well I did not jump today. I was up on the roof for a short period, but I was not driven to jump today, today I chose to climb down the ladder. I did not die for a period of time, I am still alive, I did not take steps backwards today, in fact I took a few steps forwards. I needed this today, I really needed to get myself together. It was not easy. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my skin as I do right now, I actually cannot stand it and I want to jump out of my own skin, I want a new body NOW, I do not want to wait. It makes me want to eat more, I am so disgusted with myself that I want to hurt myself more. Not today, I will not hurt myself today. There are no more quick fixes because in the long run, they are just band aids that cover up the wound, they do not actually allow for the wound to heal. Yes, I could workout hard core daily and eat much less and lose the weight super fast, I tend to do that quite well, but I always end up 10x more depressed when I realize I cannot live that way either. A life of restricting and binging is no life at all, I want to live, I want to be free and thus I shall eat enough and work out moderately. It will take months for my body to readjust, I need to find the willingness to give everything I’ve got to heal myself so that in a few months time I can feel good and look good without even being tempted to take any more steps in the other direction. I have a goal and I am going to head in the right direction to attain it!