Surely there's a way to beat this?!

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vix86
vix86's picture
Surely there's a way to beat this?!

I refuse to believe that the rest of my life will be like this. I'm 25, and since I was 16 have struggled with food and eating, namely binging and purging. But my way of purging is probably different to most other people's. I should also mention that I'm a Type 1 diabetic, which means that I'm dependant on regular insulin injections to live. I discovered during my teen years that if I stopped taking my insulin I could eat whatever I wanted, without gaining any weight.. In fact, I could eat and eat and eat, and I'd actually lose weight. It sounds like every bulimic's dream, being able to give in to the constant hunger and cravings without having to worry about your weight. Except what I didn't realise at the first, was the damage I was doing to my body. Doctors warned me that I was risking heart damage, nerver damage, liver damage, blindness, kidney failure and arm/leg amputations, but still I carried on. Despite such serious implications, I carried on doing what I'd been doing - I was playing with fire, and I knew it, but the evil Bulimia had a hold on me....and it still has. I don't want to let it make me ruin my life - I want to be rid of it before something bad happens to me, something that cannot be undone. I managed to have a year binge/purge free atfter trying Hypnotherapy, and I thought I'd beaten it; my insatiable appetite had gone, and all my cravings. In fact for a while I lost my appetite altogether, and could barely manage to eat anything - but I loved it! However somehow, slowly but surely the bulimia has crept back, and once again it is dominating my life. I think I know the reason why it came back; after I'd finished uni. I went to live and work in Spain for a year, and I think that the sudden lifestyle upheaval was what triggered the relapse, but I've been back for just over a year now and am desperate to beat it again.

I'm sick of living like this, but don't know how to find the willpower to break out of it.

Hope to hear from people,

:-)

Catherine Liberty
Catherine Liberty's picture
Hi Vix! You sound really

Hi Vix!

You sound really determined to beat your bulimia once and for all and that is a great starting point.

Also the fact that you went an entire year without engaging in bulimic behaviours is amazing.

I must admit I don't know a lot about insulin manipulation - however I did do a little research a while back for an article that I was writing on the topic.

But what I do know a lot about is recovery. Something you said really stuck out to me and that was when you said you didn't know how to find the willpower to break out of this cycle.

While of course you do need motivation and willpower at the start of recovery it is really impossible to fully recover using willpower alone. Willpower never works for long term success in bulimia recovery because it is impossible to fight against nature and your body.

A lot of the binge urges you experience are due physical binge urges due to not eating enough food, or abviously in your case your body not being able to convert any of the food you eat into energy stores so regardless your body thinks you're in a famine.

Recovery has a lot to do with learning about why you experience those binge urges and then learning the things you can do to counteract them.

I noticed that you've been a member of this site for quite a while and don't have access to the bulimia recovery system. I really can't tell you how valuable the advice and recovery steps are in the program - although your method of purging is very different to most bulimics I still really think the knowledge and recovery resources it can provide would help you to understand recovery so much better. If you're ever in a position to access the program I really think it would help.

Maybe you could even think about signing up for the free week long ecourse to start with? Again as a basic level member you'll be missing out on a lot of the tools and recovery knowledge that most other members have access to. The ecourse could be a great place to start.

If that's something you want to do you can access it here:
http://www.bulimiahelp.org/ms/sign-up

I promise you that no matter how impossible recovery may seem sometimes, it really is possible to turn your life around.

I can see how hypnotherapy helped with binge urges, but warning bells really ring in my head when you said it took away your apetite because restricting food intake will always lead back to bingeing in the end.

Take care

Catherine x

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