Talking to the Mirror

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fi9ht4strength
fi9ht4strength's picture
Talking to the Mirror

Yesterday I was listening to a Youtube Blogger who lost weight with confidence and in a healthy fashion. I have to say that she seems to be so beautiful to me because she had a wonderful personality and the things that she talks about, like how we should be confident and self loving was just truthful.

Also if you guys havent read my comment about Sarah Maria another Youtuber, who is a self image consuler, she says alot of good stuff too, and had also struggled with bulimia for quite some time.

Yesterday after hearing her say that the turning point of her life was when she realized that she had to love herself unconditionally. I was sitting by the mirror at the time, working out cause I just ate, when I decided to stop at just take a good look at myself.

Coming Korea has not changed anything, I didnt lose the weight I have gained. But rather have been more stressed because I seem to want to eat all the time and since we have reunited with my extended family we are constantly eatting out...etc. My mother has, in her "good" intentions advised me to take dieting pills and wants me to lose weight. I have started to become unhappy unless I am losing weight. I dont want to shop for clothes or go out because I was ashamed of how I looked.

So when I was looking at the mirror, I decided that as insane as it might sound that I needed to release some of the things that I have been holding inside.

This last semester I had ruined some of the relationships with my friends when the binging and purging aspect of my bulimia suddenly returned. I told them honestly what was going on and that I needed their support but they didnt understand and soon, I think that they started to judge me. It was a really big blow for me at the time, and I just lost it. They told their boyfriends, talked behind my back, and acted very strange around me. I felt like a freak.

I started with trying to determine how I felt about it, and I've relized that I dont need them, that if they were unwilling to be there for me and were going to act so two-faced towards me that they were only going to hold me back. That no matter how much I keep apologizing that it didnt matter and was no longer logical to do so. I deserved better, I am human and prone to making alot of mistakes, but it doesnt mean that the mistakes that I've made should determine my future. And that it wasnt all, "my fault" and that I should stop trying to satisfy everyone else but me.

Then I asked myself for forgiviness, for not loving myself the way that I was, unconditionally. For straving myself, for forcing myself to exercise to the point of exhaustion, for hating myself, for not being able to look in the mirror and not criticize every aspect of myself, for forcing myself to believe that I was completely ugly when I am not, for listening to every mean comment and blaming myself for them.

I havent been living for myself, but having being living my life for everyone else for quite some time. I couldnt help be to cry because the person that I couldnt forgive this whole time was just me. Is it crazy if the person that I have most desperately wanted to love me completely is myself?

So I guess this is a message for those out there who havent come to terms with themselves:

Look in the mirror and realize that the person looking back at you is a talented and wonderful person, and there is no one else in the whole entire world that can be wonderful as being you.

oxox Tina

aimsee
aimsee's picture
such a great post

Thanks so much for sharing that with all of us! That is such an important part of this recovery - to understand just how much we need to love ourselves first!! Congrats on such an awesome breakthrough & turning point!!! Congrats on learning how important it is to love yourself no matter what. Like you, I just grasped this truth just a couple weeks ago. I find that I have to constantly remind myself of this every day because 10 years of an ed has ingrained some bad mental habits! So it's reading messages that encourage being yourself & loving yourself on a very regular basis I believe will help to ingrain it in my head & eventually I wont have to remind myself! :)

You're doing a great job! Are you doing any painting right now??? :)

xo

fi9ht4strength
fi9ht4strength's picture
Reply

Thanks so much for the message and no I havent been able to paint since I've been in Korea. I had to leave all of my art supplies in the states. But my cousin is an art teacher and I am anticipating getting some paints very soon ^^ I cant wait! PS. your profile picture is really pretty.

oxox Tina

bulimic slave
bulimic slave's picture
Can't forgive myself

I think my main reasons for slipping up so much is that I haven't forgiven myself, or when I do and something goes wrong, I blame myself. I know that i'm not perfect and i'll never be perfect, and that i'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but i'm unique and special in my own way. I just wish there words would just sink in so I can move on with my life.

The mirror does not see the person inside

fi9ht4strength
fi9ht4strength's picture
Forgiveness.

I always found it strange how I constantly told myself to forgive others like the bible said 7*77 cause Jesus Christ had died for their sins. Yet when it came to me I was like an exception-I couldnt forgive myself. Somehow in my perfectionism I wasnt allow to make a mistake or fail--it was crazy cause what I was basically saying was everyone else deserved a second chance but me. Everyone else is human but I am not allowed to be.--The Reality is that I am human too and just like everyone else Jesus Christ has died for my sins also- I deserve forgiveness and am worthy of it because God has given his son as a gift for me. No matter what Jesus has already died for me whether I like or not I am forgiven.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even when I messed up right after I forgived myself-I just had to go and forgive myself again because its a part of loving yourself and understanding that you are human and prone to mistakes. Instead of blaming yourself try to understand why you made those mistakes- be understanding.

oxox Tina

aimsee
aimsee's picture
love that :)

Love your posts! :) I 100% agree! Sometimes it's hard to fully grasp that we are forgiven and 100% loved as who we are just as God created us! I'm finding that I spent so much time worrying about what others thought of me and feeling bad if I thought I didnt live up to their expectations (& it's a habit I will have to work at to break), but I have to remind myself that the only thing that matters is that God loves me and thinks I'm perfect just as I am - flaws and all! I am trying to really focus on spending my time focusing on being the best Amy I can be using the talents and qualities that are unique to just me & that God gave me :)
It's hard to shut out those negative voices that want to tell you otherwise, but we can do it :)

oh, thanks for the compliment by the way! :) Hope you get to do some painting soon! I'm trying to do more... I am trying to just do it & forget about trying to make it perfect or to have 5 hours set aside to do it :)

fi9ht4strength
fi9ht4strength's picture
Reply

I have that same thing about trying to please others and I realized its our lives and we need to start living for ourselves and no one else. Ask yourself what do I want rather than what do others expect of me. Its tiresome trying to please everyone and most of all impossible. Plus who cares if the person standing next to you in HEB thinks something negative about you, its not like they're your friends or are perfect either. Or if some people are mean to you, you should just realize that they dont mean anything to you and their actions shouldnt effect your behavior or mood. Opps, Sorry I'm starting to realize I have a habit of preaching... ^^

oxox Tina

tiger_lily
tiger_lily's picture
I agree

I seem to ignore the positive comments that people throw my way, because i always feel like they are just white lies.
And now i realize that i was the only one chucking negative comments at me was myself.
Ive heard people say that "The mirror lies" but its so hard to believe that when my eyes see my reflection so clearly. I
struggle with forgiving myself, because i don't leave any room to do so. Positive things about myself don't just appear with out effort, and I'm really looking forward to being able to see myself how others do, or at least how they say they do.
Thanks for sharing that, its made me become more open minded about all of this
- Tiger-Lily

troubadour92
troubadour92's picture
great post

I feel that most of us struggle to love ourselves, our bodies and that's why we've inevitably encountered these devilish eating disorders. It's a lot harder when there's absolutely nobody to physically talk to for support and advice. But, it's great that you have realized and want to love yourself regardless of so-called friends or family members! Keep working at it :)

fran
fran's picture
Jesus and Bulimia

Thanks for being so open girls. It is such a relief to find more of His people who struggle with this. I thought I was on my own- especially seen as I am a Christian and should be different.

AmMo
AmMo's picture
old post but just came

old post but just came accross this! wonderful! I really would like to be a christ-like representitive, yet I am struggling and focusing so much with body image and bulimia rather than keeping my eyes fully focused on the Lord. I definitely agree with the fact that we just have to love ourselves, we have to stop beating ourselves up for how we look, the mistakes we have made in the past, for GOd made us this way, we are hurting HIS creation!

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