Terrible Relapse... (please be careful reading, could be triggering)

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catlover0012@ya...
catlover0012@yahoo.com's picture
Terrible Relapse... (please be careful reading, could be triggering)

Hey everyone,

I hate saying this, but I relapsed big time last night. I had to go to this wedding, and when I got there, there was no way out of it... appetizers everywhere, HUGE portions of food, alcohol (I drank for the first time), and everything. I will tell you the details, because I really need support and also honesty is a huge part of recovery... I brought all my days worth of food, but got bored in the car on the ride to there and so I ate all my snacks before 2 PM. By the time the wedding was over I was hungry, so I ate my dinner early. I went into the wedding, where there was a MOUNTAIN of food. I was fighting it and fighting it and praying and fighting it some more, but that feeling alone was making me feel deprived and miserable. So I just gave up and started eating. Then I started drinking a little bit. And then they served dinner and I had salmon only it was HUGE on a bed of rice. I ended up eating way too much of that and my mom didn't want her cheesy potatoes either so I ate her portion. Suffice it to say after all of that food, I felt sick and bloated and my diaphragm was squeezing me in my dress (pushing against it) and I just could not handle that feeling for very long. I went to the bathroom and spent a good 15 minutes with the toilet trying to empty out as much of the damage as I could. When I got back to the table my throat was burning, my cheeks hurt, and I felt completely ashamed and demoralized and hurt that I broke my abstinence. (I was abstinent for 6 days in a row before that) ... I wanted to cry. Anyways eventually they served cake and I had 2 slices, and another drink, and then on the way out the door grabbed a complimentary cookie and all the little chocolate mints I could sneak into my pocket. And if that wasnt enough, the binge urge continued on the way home, so I stopped and got a pint of Ben and Jerrys and a box of Junior Caramels... and then... when I got home, threw up as much as I could that was left in my stomach... I just felt so trapt in that environment... and I had to eat to not be a bad guest... I just knew that eating that food would lead to bingeing and I wish I never went to that wedding in the first place. Before the bingeing happened, I felt so nervous I could have passed out. And then I just felt so hopeless in the car home that for a few seconds I was comtemplating scuicide, just because I'm so damn tired to getting abstinent, only to relapse, over and over and over again... I feel better today but still... it was purely a night of Hell. I wanted to tell you all this so I could be honest and get some help from you guys because it seriously was a terrible experience... anyways, thanks so much. Love you all

Me

Live your passion! :)

rebeccabot
rebeccabot's picture
Hello Darling. Firstly, you

Hello Darling.

Firstly, you have not failed. You just came up a big hurdle that you didn't quite have the recovery fitness to leap. It's okay. Everything is fine. You are still in training and you will get over that hurdle. You have to think about recovery in these terms. You wouldn't wake up one morning and run a marathon, would you? I'd say that a wedding is a bulimics marathon!

Today you pick yourself up. You start again on structured eating.

You learn that on long car journeys next time you will keep your snacks in the boot. :-)
You recognise that alcohol is triggering and remind yourself next time that you are at a function to be mindful of this.
You remember that social occasions can cause terrible anxiety in bulimics, and that you are still feeling vulnerable and unsteady in your recovery, and therefore probably the same in those situations.

Please do not see this as a disaster, a failure, or any reflection on what you are capable in recovery.

I ate at a wedding 2 weeks into mine and I certainly indulged but I had enough recovery in me to make it through despite a bit of indulgence.

We are all here for you. We've all done the above and worse. Recognise your lessons and continue today as if nothing happened. You must.

One day you will be the girl at weddings who is giggling with a glass of bubbly and eats whatever she wants and heads home blissfully happy. I just know it.

rebeccabot
rebeccabot's picture
I also wanted to say, I get a

I also wanted to say, I get a little sad when I see people come on here with lots of enthusiasm at first and then they disappear. I imagine them having a *blip* and not coming back on and talking through it. They give up. You haven't. How awesome is that?

mstk
mstk's picture
Don't give up, help us

Don't give up, help us demonstrate that there is a way out!

Walker
Walker's picture
Dear Catlover: Thank u so

Dear Catlover:

Thank u so much for ur sincerity and for taking the time to write. im just coming home from your wedding... i am in the middle of what looks like a terrible relapse, and tonight i drank and binged like on the old times too, for being back in a city where too many things have hapened...

Anyway i feel way too exhausted to give details like u did, but when i got to my room i just thought i would log in to see if i could get some hope for tomorrow morning, when i wake up with the horrible moral hangover...

So i thank u so much.

and Dear Rebecca:

Your msg seemed to me like one of the most beautiful things i ve read around here, thanks for your sweet support and love. Your words have confort me, even though i still have this awful and almost suicidal feelings... ( im not killing myself, its just the feeling of wanting to vanish).

I really pray to God that i can get out of here, for real. On the meantime, thanks for your help, beautiful women...

Walker

darthdawn
darthdawn's picture
Yes of course we have all

Yes of course we have all been there!!! I so agree with everything rebeccabot said - it was a HUGE hurdle, and not getting through it without abstinence just means it was too much for now, but still so much you can learn from it. And no one can take those 6 days away form you, 6 days in a row last week, those are still yours!!!! xo

``It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good`` - Nina Simone

yogini345
yogini345's picture
Second what others wrote, and

Second what others wrote, and coming here instead of going back to the binge is another step in the right direction. We've all been to that "wedding," felt the same anxiety, and wound up where you did. It's okay. You have a clean slate today. Take what you can from the experience and leave the rest behind.

I get anxiety over social situations as well, especially when I'm feeling especially bingey or bad about myself. I've learned that it's not the end of the world if I can't go. Most people don't care (or even notice!) whether you're there. And those that do and are snarky about it--well, you can either explain things to them or realize that they've got their own issues if they are letting your behavior affect them so much.

I think you're brave to post. I like to try to sweep all of that under the rug. Did it make you feel better? I hope it did. It's funny--sometimes I think each of us believes that we outdo everyone else with the worst/most disgusting/embarrassing bulimic events when really, we've all had our moments. Nothing really surprises me any more, and if you really think what you did is that bad, I can PM you with a binge I wrote down from a few years ago that I look at now and shake my head.

Day after a binge? Especially when you're feeling so down on yourself? Rest. Take a nap if you need it. Eat regular meals with a lot of fat and protein. try to move a little--not compensatory exercise but something that will make your blood move a little faster and lift your mood. Wear clothes that feel really good on your body and that you feel good in (sweats are great!). Watch a movie. Read posts on this site. It is a rough day or two after a binge, but you've gone six days before, and I know there's more in you.

lindsay6
lindsay6's picture
Okay wow there is some really

Okay wow there is some really awsome insight in these posts. In my case I think my bulimia has been quite severe in the past So for me for may years it evolved and resulted in my having good recovery until I did something like go to a wedding. I tried absolutely everything possible to get through those situations and nothing worked ever. Now I didn't have this site and SE etc. but I did a number of other things to work on it. So in the end I felt this was better than nothing and it was. It is still recovery. It just isn't full recovery. Like Rebecca said a wedding is like a marathon and it takes some training to get there.

You have tools I never did and that helps a lot. It was what finally got me to the point where I would handle a wedding. If I went to the wedding you describe now it still would not be easy for me to handle at all. Using the marathon analogy I think I would finish but come in last. That is the important thing I think to really understand that even though those like me who have solid recovery and have survived these situations it doesn't happen easily. Not yet anyway. If I find it an extreme challenge at 3 months of recovery then what does that say?

So I think you are doing much better than you think you are. Look how far you have come with your recovery. What you have accomplished is really quite spectacular. Now you have a blip on the radar screen. You will get this and when you reflect back to this time you will realize that this is an important part of your recovery. None of get through these battles without some bruises and scratches. Good for you to post this so you have the opportunity to reflect and learn about this disease as it relates to you. You now know what a huge challenge this was for you and will be in the future. The thing is all of this gets you closer to full recovery and you are doing it. You are getting recovery

When you are going through hell, keep going.

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