Update on Everything

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IlliniGirl86
IlliniGirl86's picture
Update on Everything

I've avoided this website for a long time. I haven't been on here since August 2013, actually. I kind of feel like sometimes reading stuff on here can be a major trigger. If I see someone talk about how they are underweight, I will get super jealous.

Well anyway, I was doing very well through the end of 2013. I think I only B/P like once or twice since I started recovery in July 2013. I was very depressed about the whole thing because I knew that bulimia caused me to gain a large amount of weight. I think I ultimately decided i gained 30ish lbs. I did not weight myself at all from July to December. Well, I had to go to the doctor last month for an exam and i have never been so nervous. I turned around so i couldn't see it. Actually, this doctor was great and didn't even announce my weight like every doctor my entire life has. I couldn't resist and I looked anyway. I was shocked to realize that I had lost 10 lbs of my bulimia weight gain. I am still overweight but i felt relieved. Ok, well, something has changed in the past few weeks.
i've B/P every night this week. If I feel stressed or out of control with anything in my life, it comes back to haunt me. I keep telling myself that that will be the last time but it feels so good to do it.
I even started restricting food at one point (not currently.) I was proud of myself because i lost weight during that time. The problem is, if you don't eat like a hog when there is a community meal, people will say, "omg what's wrong? are you ok? are you on a diet?" i feel like i always have to have a reason NOT to stuff my face. i don't know if this is an American thing or what. Even last night when I was out having a very casual dinner with my friends, i said very casually that i am unable to eat fried food (they were all ordering fries, etc.) and they like gave me the 3rd degree. I get physically sick if i have anything fried or greasy. I've been that way my whole life.

Long story short, i don't know what's going to happen. On a positive note, I'm (slowly) starting to get back into running again. I ran Monday night and I haven't felt that free in over a year.

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
I can empathise with your

I can empathise with your feelings about community meals and I don't think it's an American thing, the Aussies do it, the English do it and probably every other country in the world wants us to stuff ourself at these type of dinners. I have people here this week, staying in my house and not only do they expect me to cook for them, which I don't mind since I love to cook, but it doesn't help me in the slightest. I have healthy options instead of the meals I have made them and invariably end up with a salad. They all look at me as if I'm spoiling their evening by doing so and I feel so under pressure! I'm sorry you feel that pressure, too, it is so hard to deal with when you have an eating disorder. For me, it's lead to avoiding social occasions where I have to be faced with those pressure and stares and all the talk that goes with it, such as"oh, well, we shouldn't eat it either as we are trying to lose weight" and similar proclamations!

I think your recent relapse into binge and purging may stem from knowing you've had some weight loss and you have " room to move" with some weight gain, so subconsciously you ay be feeling it's not so bad to binge and purge, since you are lighter than you were before anyway. I know that when I weigh less, I'm more likely to eat and purge, because it feels like it can't do the harm it would to me mentally if I'd weighed heavier. I think it's my own way of manipulating my eating disorder to make it "ok" and something I can live with. It's not healthy and not good for us though and I can see myself doing it, rather than facing up to my issues and eliminating my eating disorder from my life. It's a part of me I'm not willing to let go of, in that respect, because I feel safer inside myself after a purge, for example, because I feel lighter and smaller and less obvious to everyone. A bad way to cope!

I hope you get through this ok, I'm sure you will since you've done it before and you have faced up to things by writing them down on here for all to see! Stick around, though. I feel competitive when I hear about weight loss, too, so you aren't alone there. I think the support here is fantastic for getting through those tough times though, when you feel that the rest of the work, for example at those dinners, doesn't understand you and why you make healthy or smaller food choices.

All the best.

Lea

everkookum
everkookum's picture
Wow, you didn't hardly b/p

Wow, you didn't hardly b/p for quite a while...that just sounds miraculous to me. I'm in my sixties and have b/p for most of that time...how did you do it?

Everkookum

Kare
Kare's picture
Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story. Be proud of your accomplishments, let go of your relapses. Free your mind from the past and focus on the present moment. Right now is all that matter and what you do right now will create the direction your life goes in. If you want to be recovered then do what it takes, keeping in mind that relapsing is part of recovering. If you want to lose weight fast then go back to the restricting and lose it. BUT never forget that the restricting will only keep you in the disease. I assume your goal is to fully recover and be free of bulimia and in that case restricting, no matter how tempting, needs to be left in the past as well. That is where I am struggling right now. My weight goes up and down so fast when I binge and restrict. My goal is sanity, I want to live free of my stupid food and weight obsessive thoughts. For that reason only, I am leaving restricting in the past. Unfortunately binging is not in the past yet, but I am trying and it will take time and for that I need patience. Wishing you the best in recovery and please feel free to msg me anytime :)

xoKare

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