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stoneyjewel's picture

I am struggling at the moment.

I do believe I can get through this. I believe that recovery is possible. That said, I am struggling. In my mind the other recoveries are still having slip ups, but only I am the one gaining weight. I realize this isn't true, but it is difficult. I read things that day "some weight" or " a little weight" is to be expected. But what about more than a little. (In my mind it is a lot)

Adding to this struggle is that, due to bping and over exercise, I am not able to run or lift weights. I am not even
able to do wall pushups or walk more than a couple miles due to inflammation and pain. This has been going on for a year and the lack of exercise plus eating without purging (at least less purging) is causing weight.

I don't want to be a whiner but my reflection in the mirror is such a stumbling block.I am getting a double chin, a protruding stomach and large arms and thighs. How are others coping with weight. Not just bloat. My whole body is putting on weight.

I need a safe place to be honest and express my struggle. It is so hard to not be critical. I miss being cute and little. Now I feel old, tired, and thrumpy. My husband says I am beautiful but it doesn't help. When he and I met I was energetic and full of life (so I thought), now my physical limitations are a struggle and cause more depression. I wish I could just go workout to alleviate stress...

Maybe just some encouragement is all I need at the moment. I know this moment will pass. They always do.

everkookum's picture
This obsession with our

This obsession with our weight and less than perfect bodies is part of the bulimia...I'm always amazed at how "normies" just accept their bodies. I struggle with this also...I'm putting faith in the articles that promise a somewhat normal existence. I've regretfully missed so much of real life by obsessing about weight and shape. Having said that...it never far from me...got to get rid of the scale...wear clothes that fit and quit "checking out" my rolls, bones etc. every time I resist the temptation to do those things, I build new paths in my brain...and that is where the magic will happen....hope this heps


Kare's picture
Hey and THANK YOU for

Hey and THANK YOU for sharing. I relate to your post completely. I have decided to let go of the restricting and exercise and since then my body has doubled. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like in order to stay sane I need to jump out of my own skin, I need a new body and NOW. It all comes down to what my goal is - to be skinny like before or to be free from my bulimia. I want to be free from bulimia so I am willing to put up with this disastrous body for the time being. There is no way I will allow myself to stay like this, I think my body is just readjusting. I have been eating lots, binging and not restricting or exercising excessively so I am bound to gain weight until I stop binging. Sorry i am going on a rant and basically I wanted to say that I can relate and thank you for sharing, now I do not feel so alone and the only thing worse than dealing with this disease is feeling like I am dealing with it alone. Support rocks! xo


larissag's picture
I appreciate your post today

I appreciate your post today very much. I often think that for sure I am the biggest one here. That it is different for me because I am a lot bigger. But you know, that is all a bunch of bull crap. It is true that our bodies will adjust and get to their normal size. That our normal set point weight is perfect for us. Sure, it might mean we have a rounder face. So what? Why do we think that is so bad? Is a little stomach really worth suffering in excess lies and chaos? Nope! We have done the cute and little, we have had our season of being "cute and little." and well, it just didn't work for us...obviously! It drove us here right? Cute and little might be what you are remembering now, but think about how much you had to suffer to stay there! If we have to gain a bit, feel a bit uncomfortable in our skin for awhile, at least we are not destroying our lives day after day in the toilet bowl! I know that you will come to a new place of acceptance and that you will appreciate your body more than other people who don't have an eating disorder. You will see how strong it has been. How dedicated to you it has been. I know that what you are going through...it is just a season. It is going to get better. I know it is. Let's just put up with it for now. No matter what, we are choosing a far better way of life, even with a couple extra pounds.

to thine own self be true

stoneyjewel's picture
I have noticed that for

I have noticed that for myself anxiety, fear and lack of peace are the biggest triggers to nit-picking at myself or obsessively thinking about food. Seeing how intense exercise isn't something I am able to do right now I am going to aim at a thorough stretch routine and meditation. I did this once in past for a couple of months and the difference in me was incredible! (There is an incredible phone app called "Skimble" that has a huge assortment of casual to intense routines that vary in length from 3 minutes to 75. I have been able to find routines that don't include things that hurt my knee and wrist. There is an hour stretch/meditation routine that I love!)

Plus, REST is step #1.

Thank you for the reminders that we are in a transitional phase. This brings back memories of another difficult time in my life a few years back that I had to go through a difficult situation. There was no way around it, only through it. IT was a daily battle of the mind to stay strong and choose to let go of opinions of me. I am aiming to apply some of those things to this situation. Others don't see from that outside that our inside is in the ICU. AS my counselor says, "If someone is in the ICU you don't expect them to do everything they once did or that they hope to. They are in critical condition." So, when I picture myself in Intensive Care or laying on an emotional hospital bed it helps give me the grace to take time to heal. Hospitals aren't forever.

Angel333's picture
A huge if not the main part

A huge if not the main part of recovery is letting go of the 'weight' issue.
Full recovery means no matter what you weigh it does not make a single ounce of difference into your daily day to day way about life.
Fat, thin, who cares. Health matters. Not weight. A big part of recovery is letting go focusing on looks and weight. And start concentrating on being healthy and happy. This is a huge challenge yes, but any time a problem in your life arises, ask yourself...will what you weigh solve it??? because the answer will be NO every single time.
Weight is insignificant. Full stop.

'We are each of us angels with only one wing, so we can only fly by embracing each other'

freakyblonde88's picture
I Agree with Angel333, If you

I Agree with Angel333, If you are still thinking about maintaining your weight rather then being healthy then we've still got the wrong mindset, you cannot have your cake and eat it to.

Think about it this way, On one side you have ED, control (or what we think is control) repressed emotions, scales, fear, being skinny.

On the other side you have, happiness, love, life, freedom, yummy food, more or less weight (let's even say MORE) Say you gain 10 pounds or more, but you are happy

So have the second side you have to give up the first, to me that trade sounds more then fair. Living life, being healthy, being present in life and whatever we end up weighing is worth so much more then living by ED's rules.

Please I beg you guys, it will be hard, you'll hate it, it will suck, you'll cry, be angry, feel torn, and feel like turning back, but I beg you, let it go.

I've been as skinny as I could physically get without being committed and believe me I wasn't happy. Once I recovered I can even honestly say that I do not think I was more beautiful 3-4 years ago. (we cannot see this about ourselves till we recover)I think the happiness shows before I got to ED and now after. I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm never going back.

Life is too short to not be happy

sanjogkaur's picture
Thank you for all this posts.

Thank you for all this posts. I'm also struggling with this. I even try not to look at myself in the mirror to avoid seeing I've gained weight. I sill feel it, in my hips and my stomach...and I have no idea how to tell the difference between bloating and fat.
I also hate it when people take pictures of me because then I can see how fat I'm becoming.
I try to think its good...to gain dorm weight in exchange of freedom...sometimes it's easier than others. Today, it is challenging.
I do realize I eat less than when I binge, but I also don't restrict, which makes me think I eat too much overall.
Ugh! Maybe I shouldn't think.


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