When you tell someone

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the_rapture
the_rapture's picture
When you tell someone

I made the mistake yesterday of revealing to a close friend that I was actively seeking out help. Her response?
"Oh, you're not doing THAT shit again, are you? Stop it, or it won't be any fun to drink with you anymore."

Though I realize this is completely the wrong thing to say to a person in need, I can't help but be bothered by it all the same (and I have to wonder--did anyone else hear something like this?). And I really don't think I'm going to tell anyone else for a while, though it would have been nice to have the support.

staci
staci's picture
Some people just don't get it

I've been lucky with my 2 best friends and family support but I did make the mistake of telling someone else who just flat out didn't get it.

I told them I have an eating disorder they were like "what?... but you eat"

Its frustrating cause those who truly don't get it think that you have to be way underweight if you have an eating disorder.
I find some people then assume that everything you eat you try to get rid of... but i eat healthy all day and keep it down... its just the b/p thats the visious cycle.

Its uncofortable to go into deatail with people so i just figure... if they don't get ... they dont get it.

Just focus on the suport you can get from those who do try to understand you rather then stress about the people who make you feel like a weirdo!

mnbvcxzjo
mnbvcxzjo's picture
same goes for me

I can relate to how you feel.
when i told my friends, they never heard bulimia before, and they said: oh, no you dont have an ED, you're not skinny, and i saw you eat.

:| it's hard..

only my boyfriend understands and being supportive. he found this site and begged me to join :)

clarevet
clarevet's picture
i told someone today and

i told someone today and thankfully she was very good but im not sure she understands. but i think no one who has normal eating habits can understand,. think about it-we eat til bursting point then puke. at what point can someone understand. im not sure even i do. i tell myself its wrong, i tell myself not to but something inside me makes me walk tto the shop or drive tot he chinese. it is a mental illness, i guess it is the behaviour of someone who has no control. people who say things like that to you are hard for me to get. there will be one day that person needs support and i bet you give it.

Coach Jen
Coach Jen's picture
Claravet- you are right on!

Claravet- you are right on! How can they understand when I don't even understand??
I want to get better so much, why can't I stop binging?
I have NO IDEA!! How can someone else understand either??
My sister was very understanding, but she's the only one I've told. I admire all of you who are brave enough to tell others, even if the outcome isn't the greatest.

Miss H
Miss H's picture
i think your friend was a

i think your friend was a little insensitive to be honest. But that probably is because she's doesn't understand. or maybe it was just her way of dealing with it- it can't be nice to find out that a close friend is suffering so much.

lucy
lucy's picture
When your support is unsupportive

I have a friend that is very supportive - usually. This morning when he asked "How'd you "do" last night?", I told him the truth. I really needed him to understand that I was upset about p/ing twice. Instead he got angry like I hurt him personally or even intentionally. He got really defensive and snippy telling me that he thought I was doing so good and now I threw it all away by screwing up. When I add that to my husband's comment that HE can't or won't go through this again I begin to wonder if it's even worth asking others for help. I'm to the point where I'm starting to believe I should just pretend that everything just got better and I no longer have "a problem".

At least I don't feel completely abandoned after I read all your posts. Thanks for being there!

Lucy

minni
minni's picture
I have told a few, but it is

I have told a few, but it is difficult to be open. People are reacting very different, and the negative reactions can be hard to go through. One of my closest, my coach, was not able to take it in. He repressed. But by time he understand it is true, and now, a half year after I first told him, it is possible to talk about the problem in a way that reflect he agrees in the existens of my problem. I felt sorry when he would not accept it in the beginning. It is better to hear "I can not understand you, but I will support you if possible". One of my friends said that, and that is very helpful.
I think the time and setting for telling someone is important. Maybe it is better first to mention you have a problem and not much more, and then time by time, tell more and more. It migth be better than get to know all in one run for a not prepared person. I am not sure. Anyone with good experiences or tips?

punkrocklibrarian
punkrocklibrarian's picture
I've said this is previous

I've said this is previous posts but it's worth saying again i think. When i first got diagnosed - at that time, anorexia - i told everyone who stood still long enough. A few - VERY few - people reacted a bit negatively, one 'friend' ditched me - a new friend who wasn't that great to be honest - but most people really appreciated my honesty, even went so far as to say i was incredibly brave to tell everyone and write about it and i used to give talks as well (that's probably for another time and post) and lots of people came out of the woodwork and told me about their issues, and it was a surprise to see how many people had problems i'd never have thought they had!

To be honest, do you really WANT to keep so-called friends who are that fucking insensitive and selfish and unkind and uncaring and self-serving and unloving and frankly completely FALSE, that they'd turn their back on you the moment they knew you weren't doing well? To be honest, i think it's better to lose them now, rather than drag them along with you like the lame ducks they are, for the next ten precious years of your life.

And yeah, no-one who hasn't got an E.D. is going to completely understand. Do we understand what it's like to have something else, like the urge to hurt bunnies or set fire to things or what it's like to be 90? That's why there are health services and message boards like this. People who have the same afflictions can come and share experiences and say "Gordon shit-me Bennet! i thought i was the only one weird enough to feel like that!"

All the more reason to tell people and raise awareness, because the more we keep quiet, the less people will understand.

And LUCY, no no no no NO, don't pretend anything. Bulimia is just like a bully - thrives off your silence. Tell everyone, or at the very least, tell your doctor and a couple of people you think might be willing to help you through.

And if they aren't willing, fuck 'em. (Or as i like to say - kill 'em, fuck 'em and eat 'em.)

~Solidarity is strength~

punkrocklibrarian
punkrocklibrarian's picture
oh

oops posted this twice

~Solidarity is strength~

punkrocklibrarian
punkrocklibrarian's picture
BUT...

I should probably add, as i got a bit hasty with the 'save' button, that "other people don't understand" is a very important part of it.

They don't understand and we shouldn't judge them for that any more than we'd expect them to judge us for our shit.

They'll get it wrong sometimes and say stuff that's just stupid or unhelpful, and they may not mean to, or they'll say something horrible just because they're really hurt or upset or they're worried about us and they'll react in an imperfect way cos they're human.

Don't hate them for it eh? Just walk away, calm down a bit, then tell them later when you can do it without howling, that it wasn't very nice or helpful, and that a better way of dealing with whatever it was, would be to do this or not do that.

Just a suggestion.

~Solidarity is strength~

laceylane88
laceylane88's picture
Reactions like that just make you think

Ive only told like 4 people because I know they are understanding. A lot has to do with the fact half of them are in the medical field and understand a lot about eds. Ive read a lot of negative reactions on here and it just makes me think... what kind of friend are you?? If her first reaction is "you just wont be that much fun to drink with", Id think twice about being her friend. I couldnt put up with someone that thinks and ed is a joke.

laceylane88
laceylane88's picture
typo

an* ed is a joke.. had a typo there.

rapunzel826
rapunzel826's picture
what kind of friend is that?

That’s horrible that your friend was concerned about drinking. I don't know your relationship with the person so I can't say too much but they seem more like an acquaintance than an actual friend. The "stop it" is the best part because I've heard that to. If only we could just "stop it" on command...then there would be no such thing as bulimia...Don't feel bad that you were bothered I internalize everything too, your probably a sensitive person and although it can make life really hard it does make it really great at times too.

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

madasa
madasa's picture
all sorts of reactions

I haven't really shared any of what's happened to me with regards to telling people. I have soooo wanted to tell someone. I didn't tell anyone until I was 28 yrs old, a whole 12 years of not saying anything to anybody. I even hid it from myself,DENIAL.

When I did start telling people my mum, sister, afew friends they didn't really say to much and now it's like this BIG WHITE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Most of my friends no, but nobidy says anything. I find that upsetting. I occasionally have shared it with afew of them but I can see that they just don't know what to say. One of my friends is even a dietician who works with teenagers with eating disorders and even she doesn't get it!

I think the best people who can help are those that have been through it themselves. Us, we understand how each of us feels, at least. We may not understand the disease too much as it can be very cunning but we understand each other.

I agree that the disease feeds on secrecy and the illness gets bigger when contained.

So I say share everything you feel on here and find someone who really understands and share it all with them.

You may get lucky, like some and have friends that you can share stuff with, that is great, I wish I had that. I can't help feeling hurt by my friends. Maybe there not friends after all?

I particular friend I shared with just before I found this site last week, I cried infront of her and said how hard I was finding it all. I said that I was seriously thinking of going into treatment. she changed the subject and has never mentioned the converastion again? friend? or just plain uncomfortable discussing this stuff or? does she have a problem herself? I don't know. all I know is if a friend of mne told me something similar, I would e like, What can I do to help you? how can I be supportive?

Many people just pretend they haven't heard what you have said and if one of your problems is feeling like your voice is never heard!!!!! like mine is, that can lead to another b/p.

I refuse to let it , this time though.

Sorry to go on. wow I felt some feelings there and am actually crying right now. It sure is good to share this stuff.

Thanx for being honest and starting this thread, It was very brave of you. I could have shared similar stuff last week but to be honest I felt hurt by what my friend did and wasn't able to acknowledge it because I would then have to think about the fact that, is she really a friend? and then if the answer is no, then how do I extract myself from a friendship without hurting there feelings???? wow really fucked up. I'm bothered about hurting her feelings!!!!! people pleaser or what?

Take care all, keep sharing, shine a big flash light on this disease. It breeds on darkness and secrecy.

M.

madasa
madasa's picture
all sorts of reactions

I haven't really shared any of what's happened to me with regards to telling people. I have soooo wanted to tell someone. I didn't tell anyone until I was 28 yrs old, a whole 12 years of not saying anything to anybody. I even hid it from myself,DENIAL.

When I did start telling people my mum, sister, afew friends they didn't really say to much and now it's like this BIG WHITE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Most of my friends no, but nobidy says anything. I find that upsetting. I occasionally have shared it with afew of them but I can see that they just don't know what to say. One of my friends is even a dietician who works with teenagers with eating disorders and even she doesn't get it!

I think the best people who can help are those that have been through it themselves. Us, we understand how each of us feels, at least. We may not understand the disease too much as it can be very cunning but we understand each other.

I agree that the disease feeds on secrecy and the illness gets bigger when contained.

So I say share everything you feel on here and find someone who really understands and share it all with them.

You may get lucky, like some and have friends that you can share stuff with, that is great, I wish I had that. I can't help feeling hurt by my friends. Maybe there not friends after all?

I particular friend I shared with just before I found this site last week, I cried infront of her and said how hard I was finding it all. I said that I was seriously thinking of going into treatment. she changed the subject and has never mentioned the converastion again? friend? or just plain uncomfortable discussing this stuff or? does she have a problem herself? I don't know. all I know is if a friend of mne told me something similar, I would e like, What can I do to help you? how can I be supportive?

Many people just pretend they haven't heard what you have said and if one of your problems is feeling like your voice is never heard!!!!! like mine is, that can lead to another b/p.

I refuse to let it , this time though.

Sorry to go on. wow I felt some feelings there and am actually crying right now. It sure is good to share this stuff.

Thanx for being honest and starting this thread, It was very brave of you. I could have shared similar stuff last week but to be honest I felt hurt by what my friend did and wasn't able to acknowledge it because I would then have to think about the fact that, is she really a friend? and then if the answer is no, then how do I extract myself from a friendship without hurting there feelings???? wow really fucked up. I'm bothered about hurting her feelings!!!!! people pleaser or what?

Take care all, keep sharing, shine a big flash light on this disease. It breeds on darkness and secrecy.

M.

marysteele313
marysteele313's picture
about revealing our deadly disorderly secret

I have tried over time to reach out to different people. I have gotten to the point that I understand that non disordered people just don't always get it, but at least some try to. I've had a person surprise me by crying once when I lost only one measly pound, it made me realize how scared for me she was over something I didn't consider a big deal.
I also had my mother flat out tell me she didn't want to even talk about it years later after I wasn't in denial anymore myself and wanted to just have a conversation about why I was flying to another state to try and get treatment for it.
I am lucky though to have the ability to be able to be open about my own issues for the most part, but I also have a recovered therapist who really understands, too. It's hard talking about it, and I feel weird because I'm obsessed with the disorders themselves and my own personal struggle with bulimia.
I think the hardest part is reaching out to someone who doesn't have anything for you to grab onto. Good luck

With love always, Mary

Wishesupon
Wishesupon's picture
After reading onto your

After reading onto your experiences, it made me realise perhaps i DO have some good people around me.
Basically everybody, my close friends, know it. They knew since i was probably 16 or 17, and till today we are still friends.
They don't always give the right reaction, sometimes they just flat out, calling me the junkfood girl or the candy girl..
but i think i never heard what your 'friend' said to you. I hope you scrapped her out of your friendlist, since she comes off very shallow and just phony.

i think a friend is someone who sees YOU in your whole being, so also if that means you have an eating disorder.

It's good to tell those, who you trust, and can feel they will 'accept' you, eventhough perhaps they won't understand.

An eating disorder is very difficult to understand for outsiders, and that's what some one previously mentioned, and that applies for diseases we can't relate too, for example, indeed the urge to burn off bunnies to relax or something..

Good luck to everybody. xx

love of life

bluebuttons
bluebuttons's picture
boyfriend

Ive just started seeing a new guy and hes soo lovley,he loves eating and food and wants to take me to a all u can eat buffet of chinese...im avoiding it,its my worst nightmare...hes starting to notice my bad eatin habits and im wondering if its gettin to the point that i should tell him..m soo scared hel reject me though and be put off my me.
Ive only been seeing him for a while now.Should i tell him? please help...

gemma321
gemma321's picture
i had the same thing i told a

i had the same thing i told a "friend" of mine an she just said i was craving for attention. i dont think that people who dont have an ED will understand.

i had a massive arguement with my boyfriend last night, he found a message on my fone off my boss now he thinks something is going on but he doesnt know that my boss is the only person who knows about my ED.
he has gone away now with the lads so when he gets back im going to have to tell him whats going on (i have a week what to say??)
i dont want this to come between us, i am still getting out the stages of being in denial, and i am scared that he will just think its attention i am after. i have always worried about what people think about me so that make this even harder.
if any body has any advise about how to tell him please let me know it will be much apreciated.
thank you

x G x

x G x
Dream as if you'll live forever
Live as if you'll die today

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