Whys is it so hard to follow through?

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lannies
lannies's picture
Whys is it so hard to follow through?

Every morning, I wake up telling myself it's not going to happen. Not today. Not to me. I go the whole day driven and motivated to stay true to what I truly want, which is not to binge and purge. If only for a day. I eat dinner, I do my daily things like pack my bag for the next day, and then it happens. In the blink of an eye. I'm eating foods I am not okay with keeping inside of me. And then before I know it, it's a full blown binge and a purge is going to happen. How is it I go from being so structured and ready to conquer this, to hopping in my car and driving to the grocery store in a daze (a shameful daze at that). I cannot keep this monster under control, and it literally drives me absolutely nuts. I am at a loss, and the shame and guilt eats away at me every day, especially after I purge and tell myself, "well tomorrow is a new day and I will give it my best then."

CandiceD
CandiceD's picture
I understand you totally.u

I understand you totally.u feel the same way .i start with good intentions .only to end the day with a binge .it seems
It's a patten that seem impossible to break.ive only
Been reading forums for two days and I joined in jan!!.its nice to no you not alone.with these thoughts and feelings x

Candice

Little Miss Grumpy
Little Miss Grumpy's picture
Hi! That exact thing happened

Hi! That exact thing happened to me for quite some time. I managed to reduce/stop the daytime binges by following SE but the nighttime binges continued for a while. I think night binges are common... we get home... things slow down... we might be hungry or tired and we suddenly find ourselves eating for no apparent reason. I had to work really hard on preventing these episodes. I was determined and stuck at it, finally success! Just be consistent in your SE, and be mindful at night. You know it's your danger zone. Changing your routine might help, try distraction techniques, brush your teeth straight after dinner..maybe just go to bed early for a couple of days! Breaking the cycle you're stuck in just once will make preventing these binges easier. Stick at it! You are worth it!! :)

Marie00000
Marie00000's picture
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about the frustration with not following through. I relate very well to what you are going through. My mindset is all positive and upbeat during the morning - even after a binge - because I am so eager to recover. I feel that if I am thinking positive thoughts and being positive, that determination and my drive for healing will automatically pull me through. However, as we all know, ED doesn't work that way. For whatever reason, we are distracted for a millisecond throughout the day which makes us fall down. No matter how encouraged we are and no matter how hard we fight, it still seems to get the best of us. Why is that? It's a disease - a mind game. We strive for perfection and the second we don't feel perfect in recovery, it is easy to let the negative take over.

Perhaps think of it as "moments" instead of the "whole day" - that way you won't get overwhelmed with not giving in for the whole day, or forever again. Just focus on each moment and remind yourself you are loved, you are healed and you are beautiful. Then, the urge will pass and you can breathe again.

xoxo

luckymom2four
luckymom2four's picture
Yes, it's like you have a

Yes, it's like you have a camera following me around. Every. Single. Morning. I tell myself that "Today will be day one" of staying on target, and not B/P, and I stay focused and confident all day. I am thankful, mindful and positive. I feel confident that I am going to make it, and then BAM! 4:00 pm, or 5:00 pm or 8:00 pm..... I can screw up a perfect day in a matter of seconds. Once I have screwed up, what the hell, might as well make it worth it because I know I am not going to keep in down, anyway - so it turns into a stuff-fest for the next 15-20 minutes before I toss it all. I hate it. I would trade nearly any addiction for this, as my dietician and therapist have both told me I would have better luck at breaking a heroin habit than getting over this bulimia. It just sucks. I am so sorry you are having a rough time in the evenings, too. I wish I had some great insightful advice to offer, but I am right there in the same sinking ship with you!

Robin

LHill
LHill's picture
Absolutely--I can relate.

Absolutely--I can relate. Every morning is a new day and in every evening there is that uncertainty. I fear the evening. I found during this week that I had restricted just a little during the day. Sure, I followed the Structured Eating meal/snack schedule, but didn't have quite as many calories as I should have. Then I was pretty hungry by dinner and it was hard for me to wait to prepare my meal and sit and eat slowly. And even after my meal, I easily slipped into eating more...and then gave up for the day.

Yesterday I decided to eat more during the day...maybe was a little more honest in following the calorie requirements of the SE and found that it was easier last night to not jump into a binge. It's still hard because the binge is my crutch, but it wasn't as much of a fight and I made it through. Now to do the same thing again today.

LHill

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