Julie’s Story: “It still amazes me that I am no longer bulimic”

Thought it was about time I started acknowledging my recovery and sharing how it has been on here! It still amazes me that I am no longer bulimic and have been that way for almost 11 months.

I had pretty much given up all hope of being able to have a healthy relationship with food...

After almost a decade of having bulimia with anorexic tendencies I had pretty much given up all hope of being able to have a healthy relationship with food. Almost every meal, (or non-meal) created havoc in my mind which was nearly always in overdrive. I am now, on the most part, a happy and healthy eater.

My bulimic lifestyle was so chaotic, it took over so much of my life, so much time, it caused so much anxiety, and produced so much unhappiness. 

I tried counselling, medication and a short stay in inpatient, but nothing ever worked!

I’d just think "this is not working" and lose all hope when I didn't see any kind of change to begin with. I'd give it my all for a few days but the overwhelming urge to binge and purge was just too strong. 

Every situation seemed like an opportunity to binge. An empty house, a cancelled date, a “buy one get one free” offer at the shops.

Even now I get a funny unsettling feeling when I walk passed the reduced aisle in a Supermarket. That aisle used to beckon me over. So many times I'd go shopping with good intentions to buy food for planned meals, then before I could stop it I would be recklessly throwing reduced offers of crisps/breads/sweets into my basket, while trying to hide them with another item in case someone who knew me saw me.

For so long I didn’t want to acknowledge my eating disorder… 

If I didn’t think about it then I didn’t have it. I could still work as a health professional full time, from 9-6 (with a very small, if any, lunch) and no one at work would suspect a thing. Then I'd come home and as fast as possible buy, eat and purge. Then get rid of all the evidence and sit down like it never happened. 

So although I'm proud of my recovery, I'm so used to blocking out so many feelings and emotions, that I find it hard to acknowledge what I have achieved. I hope this makes sense! 

The main reason I'm writing this is to give anyone reading this hope. 

I really believe if I can do this that we all can. I know I used to hear about other recovered people and think 'I'll never do it, I'm not like them, I couldn’t give this up.' But I have and I so strongly believe we all can. Maybe it won’t happen for you today or tomorrow or even next week. But it will happen. When you want recovery enough it is possible. 

I can’t believe it took me so long to get to this point in recovery

But sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to start climbing back up!

I was so sick of being sick. Bulimia had given me something years before, but eventually I had had enough of this disease. I really hope and believe you all can end your fight with eating disorders too.

If you're still reading (didn't realise I had so much to say!) I wanted to include a diary entry from 3 years ago. It really shows how this illness had taken over my life and maybe it will resonate with some of your struggles. I believe in you all...

A diary entry I wrote 3 years ago...

MAY 27TH 2009

I feel disgusting. I feel fat. I feel useless. I feel I will never recover. I feel even if I recover I will never get my life to be normal so what is even the point in recovering. It is too hard. I get too tense at work. I can’t vent. I get stressed and all I can think about it purging my anger, my stress, my unhappiness, my loneliness, my missing Sammy, me being the fat ugly bridesmaid and a million other things.

 

I feel annoyed at Paul. I feel annoyed at mum for going on last night about how I was emotionally immature. I hate how I have no self-confidence and feel awkward. It makes me feel big and stupid

 

I hung up on the phone to my sister tonight. I feel useless and so rubbish compared to her and her perfect life and her perfect wedding. I will feel such a spare part on the day. I know that is stupid but I know I will. Stupid cousins there, stupid uncles, stupid everyone. 

 

So glad its Southside and I can come home kind of early. Hope they have nice toilets I can sit in and relax alone…

 

I feel so angry inside. I could explode with anger and scream and cry like I am doing now. But instead I swallow the lump in my throat and throw up all my feelings…along with other things. I feel so weak and like I have no energy to fight the desire to purge.

 

Once it’s in my head it takes so much effort to get it out and I’m too tired to fight it and think happy thoughts and lovely walks after work and lovely healthy dinners and gym visits. I can’t handle talking about it anymore.”

2 comments

nuts
nuts's picture
wow

Thank you so much for sharing...this is the first time I have responded, though joined the program months ago. I get so frustrated with myself; had a day without b/p, then blew it yesterday and feel so unmotivated today. I'll just keep working on it with hope from stories like yours. So hard....

persistant one

juliec85
juliec85's picture
thank you polly for your kind

thank you polly for your kind words! sometimes it just hits home the achievements I have made, and you likewise I'm sure. I'll be sure to take a look at your sight too. God bless xxx

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